GREEN FLAG: 1. Start of the race

1a. See "WHITE FLAG" (Joe Nemechek only)

2. Time for former driver of #66 K-Mart car to yell inane catchphrase

3. Former national flag of Libya (Rare)

YELLOW FLAG: 1. Caution on race track

2. Robby Gordon on race track

3. That creepy Kevin Harvick SportsCenter commercial is playing again

RED FLAG: 1. Race stopped due to unsafe conditions

2. One of Mike Mackler's ex-girlfriends is nearby

3. Elderly garage worker ranting about commies again

BLUE FLAG WITH STRIPE: 1. Pull over to allow faster car to pass

2. Geoff, don't make us ban you from the Cup Series

3. Fine, don't make us ban you GEOFFERY…yeah, you happy now GEOFFERY?

4. HOORAAAAY BEER!!! (Colorblind drivers only)

BLACK FLAG: 1. Report to pits immediately

1a. Time for Andy Petree or Larry McReynolds to say "eventually if you don't report to the pits, they'll just stop scorin' you"

2. Insects flying around interior of car

3. Henry Rollins acting as Grand Marshall this week (Rare)

WHITE FLAG: 1. One lap to go

2. Warning--satellite team is surrendering sponsorship to much-larger "parent" team

3. This race brought to you by Clorox

CHECKERED FLAG: 1. Race is finished

2. Stare at this long enough and black, pulsating circles appear

3. Reference made to Richard Nixon's dog (Rare)

A World of Change

With a stagnant economy showing no signs of immediate recovery, Americans everywhere are being forced to leave their jobs, voluntarily or involuntarily. We recently polled a sample of citizens to find out why THEY were leaving their current employer:

Nick Susskind, IT Professional, Cicero Illinois: "I didn't want to leave I-Tech, but the pay was just getting lower and lower. Three years in a row of salary-cuts had me making less than I did 10 years ago when I started in this field. It got to the point where I had to leave--I'll be doing some freelance work now, but I'm still worried about not having health insurance."

Alex Mosley-Parker, Paralegal, Smyrna Delaware: "I love Smyrna, and imagined spending the rest of my life here. But when my husband got transferred out west, I mean, we had to go, you know? In this economy you can't just stay for the heck of it, and, well, his job had the higher salary and better benefits."

John Thomas, Retail Manager, Sarasota Florida: "Basically I got forced out. I'd worked at my place for so long, my salary was, I guess, a little too high for the new District Manager. I can understand his side of it--why pay some 50-year-old almost 50% more than a 25-year-old--but I offered to take a pay cut. Now they're making me re-apply as an Assistant?"

Kurt Busch, Race Car Driver, Las Vegas Nevada: "Over the Thanksgiving holiday I took time to reflect on what is most important to me and realized I need to find a way to put the fun back into racing. It's time for a fresh start. Leaving a great organization and a lucrative contract is not easy, but it allows me to take a deep breath and work on things that can make me a better driver and a better person."

Job Huntin' with Krazy Kurt

Well, its official: Brian Pattie is Clint Bowyer's crew chief in 2012. Buried beyond that earth-shattering headline is the news that Kurt Busch and Penske Racing have mutually parted ways. Reportedly, Penske will hire David Ragan to drive the 22 to a multitude of 21st-place finishes, but what about Kurt? What will HE be doing next year? Here's a look at his options:

Stewart-Hass: Just think about it--two skinny, petulant superstars sharing the #10 car. They could even share firesuits! Um, but hopefully they won't share bikinis.

Michael Waltrip Racing: Mikey always seems to find sponsorship when needed. Plus, if sponsorship for a fourth team CAN'T be found, he can get a job as Trippy, the MWR Mascot.

Roush Fenway: Just kidding.

IndyCar: Has-been racing series for a has-been driver?

Formula 1: It would be tough to find a ride for Kurt, but he'd fit right in with all the miserable millionaires who loathe the media.

Start and Park Team: Even though ESPN only does the 2nd-half of the Cup schedule, I'm sure that Dr. Jerry Punch would make sure he's there on pit road, smiling a huge smile, whenever Kurt pulled in after three laps with a "vibration".

Take a Year Off: This is the most-likely scenario, as it will give Kurt a chance to let this "blow over". Besides, it will mean that around October 2012 we'll get to see Kurt awkwardly serving as a guest commentator for ESPN, making pithy jokes about how making a pick against Brad Daughtery is a "tall order".

Brian France Convinced Lady Gaga's "You and I" is about Nascar

Nascar Chairman and professional recluse Brian France has been telling anybody who will listen that "You and I", the latest chart-topper by pop-star Lady Gaga, is completely about the sport he loves, owns, and occasionally ruins.

"I mean, just listen to the lyrics", France told us in an interview he was quick to agree to. "I was being driven down to the local Aldi's to buy some cream cheese, and I heard it on the radio. I asked for my personal driver to turn up the volume--it was like she was talking directly to ME!

"I mean, just listen to the lyrics--'Something, something about the Chase'. How could that be about anything BUT Nascar? And on top of that, its the aspect of the sport that I came up with! Maybe she's been spying on me (chuckles)".

When asked for further evidence that the song is, in fact, about stock car racing, France continued, "Well in the bridge of the song, she says 'So put your drinks up, for Daytona. For Daytona Daytona I love ya!' That's about Daytona Beach, the city I grew up in and occasionally visit! AND its the headquarters of Nascar and ISC! She must be a really big fan to know that!"

France added that he's already extended an invitation to Lady Gaga (through her official fan club, of which he is "…a member in good standing") to appear at next year's Daytona 500. France added that she would be more than welcome to perform the National Anthem, give the command to start engines, and possibly record a number of Nascar-themed songs for future advertising campaigns.

"She hasn't responded yet, but I just know its because she's busy clearing her February schedule to come down here", France said. "I can't wait to meet her, it'll be a dream come true!"

Thanksgiving in Review

Nascar's best and brightest (and Martin Truex) celebrated Thanksgiving yesterday--here's a quick recap of how some of them spent their Turkey Days:

Kurt Busch: Mother Busch brought out the turkey, but Kurt said that he "…was ready to eat 10 f***ing minutes ago." Gramma Busch then smacked Kurt over the head. Again.

Kyle Busch: Sat in his room while Kurt's drama was going on, trying to figure out if "Generic Colorful Candy Shell Chocolate" could sponsor him next year.

Matt Kenseth: Worried if he'd be able to afford Thanksgiving Dinner next year without a sponsor, then remembered that he's a millionaire and light a cigar with a Kevin LePage diecast car.

Brian Vickers: Elbowed his sister. Repeatedly. Then claimed that it WASN'T retribution for her dating that guy who used to call him "Cryin' Sickers" in high school. Kicked out of the house, but claims that he has "plenty of options" for next year's dinner.

Mark Martin: Rehearsing line for next year's Aaron's commercial: "Wait a minute, I thought that I was the next Aaron's spokesperson!"

Michael Waltrip: Carving turkey for his special guest, The Girl from the Aaron's Commercials. Unfortunately she couldn't eat any, what with her arms and legs tied to the chair.

Dale Earnhardt Jr.: "I dunno…had a good dinner…food was alright…its just…really wanna win the turkey bowl football game…had a good run…gonna try and win…"

Joe Nemechek: Suffering from food poisoning after only cooking the turkey for five minutes.

Tony Stewart: Taking a break from steady diet of Schlitz, switching to Wild Turkey.

Live from Pit Road…

Now we go to Mike Mackler interviewing a very disappointed runner-up, in the race AND the championship.

"Thanks, I'm here with Rain--great run today, great run this season, but came up just a bit short."

"Thanks Mike…what can I say? I gotta give all the credit to Tony Stewart and the 14 crew, they really showed why they're champions. Carl Edwards, great run, no shame finishing behind him. We just…we thought we had a shot with about 55 laps to go, but it kind of got away from us. But I gotta thank all my sponsors, Aquafina, Dasani, Evian, Mac Tools…and ownership, Mother Nature, we've been through some rough times, but she stood by me, couldn't be prouder."

"A humble but disappointed Rain, falling just a bit short."

The Pits Holiday Gift Guide

We here at The Pits realize that finding the right gift for the Nascar fan in your life can be quite difficult. I mean, he already has a Ricky Craven hat and a Buckshot Jones t-shirt, so what else is there to get them? That's where WE come in! Just look below to see what your Nascar-loving loved one likes, and get them the gift that will make their day/8-nights!

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Fan--Cricket Wireless Dale Jr. Cell Phone. Sure, you could get him any of the plastic tchotchkes for sale at Wal-Mart, but this gift will add a personal touch. Be sure to get the custom Dale Jr. ringtone ("I dunno…tryin' to win…good race, but…need to run better") and pre-loaded pictures from fellow Wrangler pitchman Brett Favre!

Bobby Labonte Fan--Time Machine. Wish to go back to when Bobby was one of Nascar's true elite? When Bobby was winning races consistently? Heck, just back to when Bobby had black hair? Use this handy-dandy time machine and you'll be wearin' green and screaming for the Labonte brothers in no time! Also, feel free to use it to steer Joey Logano into a career working the counter at Pep Boys.

Matt Kenseth Fan--The Big Book of Wisconsin Success Stories. Sure, Matt doesn't have a sponsor for next year. And sure, he seems to have pissed off Redbeard the Pirate. But that doesn't diminish this legend's greatest accomplishment--making it OUT of Wisconsin! You'll also get a chance to read about other successful Wisconsinites, like George Wallace-assassin Arthur Bremer, fear-mongerer Joseph McCarthy, and cartoonist Douglass Ladd!

Brian Vickers Fan--Flo the Progressive Girl. Try as we might, sometimes we get into minor fender-benders. Sometimes there's all over a 2-week period. Sometimes they all involve the same exact person. Help to combat these amazing coincidences with some first-rate insurance. Flo will help you bundle insurance for your 1998 Honda Civic with the 10-speaker sound system with insurance for your "Cougar Hunter" powerboat! WARNING--This is NOT a cardboard cutout of Flo--this is an actual living person. Please open immediately or suffocation may occur.

Martin Truex Jr. Fan--Greatest One-Hit Wonders Collection. You'll get to hear hits from such legendary flashes in the pan as Starland Vocal Band, ? and the Mysterions, David Gilliland, and Men Without Hats! Proof that sometimes when you succeed, its best to just stop there! (This might also come in handy 10 years down the road for Trevor Bayne fans).

Jimmie Johnson Fan--Jimmie's Plain Oatmeal. Tired of flavor? Tired of fun? Tired of anything somewhat exciting ruining your morning? Then try Jimmie Johnson's favorite breakfast treat, Jimmie's Plain Oatmeal! Nothing inside to surprise, offend, or excite you, guaranteed! Available in Gray or Slightly Darker Gray.

Kyle Busch Fan--K&B's. Duuuude! Are you totally bummed about those losers at M&M's trying to tell Busch-man what to do? Well, here's some newz to totally geek you up! Row-dee's taking Robby Gordon's advice and starting his OWN sponsoring company--K&B's! K&B's are the gnarly kick-ass candy that don't take nothin' from nobody! You can eat 'em, collect 'em, or throw 'em at elderly truck drivers! K&B's--its chocolate…2 THE X-TREEEEEEEEEME!

Homestead "News" and Notes

--Its finally come down to this: Tony Stewart vs. Carl Edwards for the title. If Carl wins, it'll probably mean more sponsorship and exposure for Roush Racing. If Tony wins, it'll probably mean a few arrests for public intoxication.

--The last race of the season is always bittersweet--no more races till February, nothing left to really talk about, but at least the n-n-n-n-Napa commercials stop.

--Ron Hornaday is signing with Joe Denette Motorsports for 2012. Getting a multiple-time champ like him is REALLY like winning the lottery.

--Denny Hamlin's pulling triple-duty "Denny Time" this weekend, running in all three races. He's going to have some pretty serious burns after almost 12 hours of racing with no shirt on.

--Can't confirm this, but it sounds like either Tuesday or Wednesday is when Speed Channel is going to put Kenny Wallace back into winter storage.

--Even though we're heading into the off-season, you'll still be getting some articles from me. I'll try and do a Silly-Season "News" and Notes each week, plus hopefully another article per week as time/news allows. Its up to you if this is good news, bad news, or Newport News.

Let's All Forget That He Portrayed An Iraqi Sympathizer

This Saturday, former WWF/E Pro Wrestler Sgt. Slaughter will be giving the command to fire engines at the Ford 300. Naturally (well, naturally if you're ME) that made me wonder--how would other pro wrestlers say the most famous words in motorsports?

Hulk Hogan: "Let me tell ya something brother--gentlemen, start your engines!"

Scott Hall: "Hey yo--gentlemen, start your engines!"

Ric Flair: "WOOOO! Gentlemen, start your engines!"

Tor Johnson (as portrayed by George "The Animal" Steele): "Time for start engines!"

Konnan: "Hold on let me speak on this--gentlemen, start your engines!"

Ultimate Warrior: "I heard…the voices. The voices, that would not be silenced. The voices, that while sated with the state of stock car racing, knew that something more was out there. Knew that they could have better. Knew that racing needed…A WARRRRRIORRRRR! And now, I stand here before the other great warriors of racing, this sport of legends, heroes, and kings…the voices have called me here…to proclaim a new beginning. A new finish. The beginning of the end of a once-great season. One that can be great again. And now, I can procl------(microphone cut off due to the race being 10 laps in).

Homestead, CousinCarlCo Announce Concrete Resurfacing Plans

Shortly after the completion of the Kobalt Tools 500, Homestead-Miami Speedway announced a partnership with CousinCarlCo to completely resurface the track in concrete in time for Sunday's race.

"We're happy to announce that, thanks to our association with Ford, we were able to get a VERY competitive bid", Homestead spokesman Lonny Blake said at a hastily-assembled press conference. "They made us an offer we couldn't refuse, as they say."

Blake explained that while the bulk of the work will be done by CousinCarlCo, subcontractors will be brought in as well. Companies such as 99Construction, AflacResurfacing, and EdwardsConcrete are all expected to participate in the project.

"We weren't really looking at redoing the track so soon", Blake continued, clad completely in Kellogg's merchandise. "But again, CousinCarlCo was very insistent on getting the job done by Sunday at 2pm EST."

CousinCarlCo Chairman, CEO, and Foreman Carl Edwards was unavailable for comment, as he was busy buying all the Quickrete in Florida. However, he guaranteed in a press release that the job would be done in time.

"I…er, I mean, WE here at CousinCarlCo will get the job done", the release explained. "In addition, if we come up short in concrete, KensethUnlimited has offered to fill in any holes with Vickersite."

Busch Clash "News" and Notes

--In protest of Nascar's decision to let Kyle Busch race this weekend, Joe Nemechek will only run one lap before parking.

--Lots of people are claiming that they won't buy M&Ms until they stop sponsoring Kyle Busch. Really--even if, lets say, 50% of Nascar fans boycotted M&Ms, what is that, .000001% of their business?

--Hey, Coach Gibbs--here's how you keep Rowdy in line: "Hey, if I fire you, there's only one Toyota team you could go to. And do you REALLY want to be doing Aaron's commercials?"

--At least we're going to Phoenix now--nothing controversial EVER happens to the Busch brothers there.

--Despite losing a whole race's worth of points, Kyle Busch will still be in Las Vegas for Awards Banquet Weekend…sitting in his parents basement watching "Harry and the Hendersons".

--For the record, I focused on the Busches this week because not much else is going on in the Nascar world. Oh, except the tightest points battle in years and a former driver getting arrested for possession.

Carl Edwards vs. Tony Stewart--Tale O' The Tape

With two races to go, it looks like its coming down to two of the sport's best for the Sprint Cup Championship. Here's a comparison of the two before they go to Phoenix…and watch the championship be decided by a late-race caution caused by Robby Gordon…

Carl Edwards is known by the nicknames "Concrete Carl" and "Cousin Carl".

Tony Stewart is known by the nicknames "Smoke", "Smokey Jones", and "Smokey Johnson" (which sounds like what you get after a night with a hooker…don't ask how I know this.)

Carl Edwards is well-known for his physique, which resembles that of an NFL quarterback.

Tony Stewart is well-known for his physique, which resembles that of an NFL assistant coach.

Carl Edwards drives the #99, previously made famous by Jeff "The Mayor" Burton.

Tony Stewart drives the #14, previously made famous by Mike "Good Morning Miss" Bliss.

Carl Edwards is known for his trademark backflip, which was "borrowed" from Tyler Walker.

Tony Stewart is known for his trademark climbing of the catch-fence, "borrowed" from Helio Castroneves (who seemed to make the celebration "more funner").

Carl Edwards appeared on "24" with Kiefer Sutherland.

Tony Stewart appeared in a Burger King commercial with Carrot Top. Seriously.

Carl Edwards isn't Jimmie Johnson, which makes most fans happy.

Tony Stewart isn't Jimmie Johnson, which makes most fans happy.

Kyle Beuller's Day Off

Nascar was nice enough to let Kyle Busch attend today's race, even though he couldn't drive. So how did Kyle spend his afternoon? Let's see:

(All times EST, because the world revolves around the East Coast)

3:05pm--Walks from motorcoach to pit lane escorted by six security guards dressed as M&M characters

3:12pm--Agrees to interview with Marty Smith

3:13pm--Reneges after Smith says he'll start interview with, "So how does this affect Junior?"

3:16pm--Tries to hide tears at the start as 42 of the best drivers in the world and Josh Wise take the green flag

3:20pm--Begins pouting

3:55pm--Bugs crew chief for a piece of gum

4:01pm--Goes to media center

4:07pm--Annoys John Roberts with his terrible Dave Despain impression

4:08pm--Asked to leave media center

4:29pm--Goes to port-a-potty

4:30pm--Cries in port-a-potty

4:55pm--Goes back up to pit box, annoyed that no one asks him where he's been

5:03pm--Tries to juggle lug nuts

5:09pm--Nearly blinds self with lug nut to the eye

5:34pm--Uses pit laptop to look up pictures of his wife

5:35pm--Laptop confiscated by JD Gibbs

5:44pm--Paces around pit lane

6:01pm--Leaves early to beat traffic

6:02pm--Informed he can't drive his motorcoach across backstretch to leave until the race is over

6:08pm--Drums on motorcoach steering wheel, humming "Tik Tok" by Ke$ha

6:34pm--Finally leaves

6:35pm--Realizes that an entire race happened without him, and does one of those exaggerated uh-oh GULPs.

Texas "News" and Notes

--Well, its nice to know that Nascar hasn't forgotten its outlaw, illegal contraband history.

--Wait a minute--Dave Blaney and Geoff(ery) Bodine are switching rides for the rest of the season? Wow…better go change my Chase picks.

--The first-ever race at Texas was a disaster, with 14 drivers Vickersing out of the race.

--I heard a radio ad for AM/FM Energy with Joe Nemechek. He mentioned how he knows that Americans are working harder for their money these days. This from a guy who most people see working about 10 minutes a week.

--To ensure that Carl Edwards really doesn't sleep this week, Tony Stewart sent him a picture of some huge, naked breasts. Then he told him they were Ryan Newman's.

Ryan Newman to pilot LeBron-Hater car in 2012

Tony Stewart, the un-indicted co-owner of Stewart-Haas Racing, is pleased to announce that teammate Ryan Newman will be driving a LeBron-Hater-sponsored Chevrolet Impala for 9 races in 2012.

"We couldn't be happier to have Dan Gilbert, owner of both Quicken Loans and the Cleveland Cavaliers, come on board with us as a sponsor for 2012", Stewart explained at today's press conference. "Dan's assured us that he will spare no expense towards spreading his message of pure, unadulterated hatred towards LeBron James through Nascar."

Gilbert currently sponsors the LPGA's Greater LeBron-Hater Open and the LeBron-Hater Building in downtown Cleveland. He said that he first became interested in Stewart-Haas after seeing the word "Cookies" on a recent Newman paint scheme in Comic Sans letter-style.

"This is a bold new day for LeBron-Haters everywhere", Gilbert said. "We're looking to acquire number 23 for the team, just so we can put a big 'NO' slash-out graphic over it."

While the sponsorship doesn't officially begin until 2012, Newman will be running a special paint scheme next week in Texas promoting the "Visit Cleveland, Not Miami" tourism campaign.

"Its always a good day whenever you can announce a new sponsorship", said Newman, shortly after the press conference concluded. "Dan told me that he originally wanted to sponsor an unlikable team that had never won a championship, but MWR turned him down."

Formula Done

I was lucky enough to be treated to a New York Giants game IN PERSON today (Thanks Dad!). As a result, I missed the spinout-fest in Martinsville. However, I did manage to see the Formula 1 Grand Prix of India. Here's some thoughts I came away with:

--Sebastian Vettel scored a "Grand Slam" by winning the pole, winning the race, setting the fastest lap, and leading every lap. The only way that a Grand Slam could be anymore boring would be if Denny's served grits with grits and a side of grits (with a dessert of grits).

--David Hobbs. Seriously, man. Take a Zantac. You make Bill Simmons sound healthy. Here, take one, I'll give it to you!

--All the buzz was about the upcoming Grand Prix of America, to be held in New Jersey across from New York City. Here, let me save you the trouble, traditional media: "These guys think they're great racers, but lets see them go up against some New York City cabbies!"

--Also, The State of New Jersey has a two year head start to figure out a way to fit Jabba the Gov into a single-seater.

--The most exciting thing in practice? "Race fans, this is Chief Steward Skinner. Remain calm there is a dog on the track."

--Um, Mr. Bean was at the race? OK, that's pretty damn awesome.

--Oh, and (as always)…Varsha Varsha Varsha!

Martinsville "News" and Notes

--Its Halloween weekend, so expect to see a few costumes at the track. In fact, I'm hearing that David Stremme plans to go all-out and disguise himself as a competent driver!

--What's worse--that Chad Knaus told Jimmie Johnson to wreck his car after the race if they won, or that he was stupid enough to do it while they were be recorded and filmed?

--Andy Lally had his entry withdrawn so the team can focus on getting the 71-car back in the top-35. Robby Gordon withdrew HIS entry because "…those leaves aren't gonna rake themselves".

--In retrospect, shouldn't Jeff Gordon, sponsored by the Drive to End Hunger, bump-drafted with Dave Blaney's Golden Corral car?

--Interstate Batteries moves to the #20 car this weekend in an attempt to capture the awkward teenager whose voice hasn't changed market.

--Nice to see Richard Childress get his 100th win last week--after running such racing luminaries as Mike Skinner, Jeff Green, and Casey Mears, its a shock he didn't get there sooner.

Destroy! Destroy!

Chad Knaus instructed Jimmie Johnson over radio to intentionally wreck the #48 car if they won, since it might not pass post-race inspection. Believe it or not, this isn't the first time that something was intentionally ruined in Nascar:

1953--Tim Flock destroys any memories of a stellar driving career, so he can instead be remembered as "That Guy With the Monkey".

1963--Worried that a budding acting career could steal time away from racing, Richard Petty intentionally acts stilted and bored in "43: The Richard Petty Story".

1971--A kick-ass, high-banked short track is built in the middle of the woods, but, as the area is better known for boring relaxing, Pocono Raceway is torn down and rebuilt.

1984--After winning his 200th race, Richard Petty quietly sends his 745-cubic inch engine to the junkyard.

1990--The rarely-seen softer side of Dale Earnhardt is shown, when he intentionally runs over a piece of debris to let the only man with a better mustache win the Daytona 500.

1993--Rusty Wallace intentionally flips his cars at Daytona and Talladega to show the importance of NOT wrecking to his young son Steven (apparently this didn't work).

2001--A young Chad Knaus destroys his first year as a crew chief by working with Stacy Compton

2011--Mike Mackler further destroys his reputation by doing a blatant rip-off of The Onion in this article.

The Luckiest Unluckiest Driver in 'Dega

Regan Smith hit the wall VERY hard…and wasn't seriously hurt. Then, his hauler caught on fire…and wasn't seriously damaged. What other grey clouds will drift his way, only to have some silver linings, today?

6:16pm--The hauler, running way behind schedule, gets stuck in miles of traffic…but the crew finds a 30-pack of Budweiser that's only slightly smoke-damaged.

6:48pm--Still stuck in traffic…but the rear tire changer makes a hilarious "wake-up call" to Jimmie Johnson.

7:20pm--Finally moving down the highway, they mistakenly knock an AMC Gremlin off the side of the road…but the driver's a huge Simpsons fan, so he doesn't sue.

7:41pm--Stop for dinner at McDonald's and they're OUT of McNuggets…but the manager gives them extra Monopoly game pieces instead.

7:59pm--Radio station plays the 10th Adele song in 30 minutes…but that new Red Hot Chili Peppers song with the great bass line is coming up next.

8:34pm--Cop pulls the hauler over…but he's willing to re-enact the famous scene in Days of Thunder.

9:00pm--Jimmie Johnson prank calls them back, looking for a "Mike Hunt"… but they get him back by asking for a "S.I. Coverjinx".

9:19pm--Realize all the BS they went through today…but remember that they're safe, alive, and have a weirdo from Delaware writing about them.

Talladega "News" and Notes

--Its tough to joke around after the tragedy on Sunday, but we'll try the best we can.

--Of the many rule changes in effect this weekend, the most noticeable could be the disallowing of greasing the bumpers. I guess Grease ISN'T the word anymore.

--TRG has started fielding two cars, which is a little like the Baltimore Orioles playing a doubleheader--twice the effort, twice the cost, twice the disappointing finishes.

--Dale Jr. is running a fan-designed paint scheme on Sunday. Reportedly Dale Jr. himself entered the contest, lost, then remarked, "Man…its frustratin', tryin' to win…really want a win here, but we'll take it….hows my fantasy team doin?"

--Relative unknowns like Ron Bouchard and Phil Parsons have posted wins at Talladega…could this be the breakthrough day for Andy Lally? Yeah, probably not.

--In the time it took to read this article, RCR has announced three more paint schemes for Clint Bowyer.

Marcos Ambrose Admits He Has No Idea What a "Bostitch" Is

Shortly after bringing his RPM Ford Fusion home to a solid 5th-place finish, driver Marcos Ambrose readily admitted he had no idea who, or what, a "Bostitch" is.

"They're on the hood of my CAAAHHH this week, but I don't know what the heck they are." Ambrose explained in a post-race interview on pit road. "I mean, usually we have Stanley or DeWalt on the CAAAHHH, and I know what they do, but this week? No idea, mate.

"I mean, are they a part of Stanley?" Ambrose asked to no one in particular. "Maybe they're a new line of drills or something. Or maybe its honoring one of the employees for DeWalt? I really have no clue--I gotta ask the boys down in Baltimore about this."

After a brief period of reflection, Ambrose continued.

"They COULD be a one-race sponsor, though, totally unconnected to Stanley/DeWalt. Like how 'Dinger had Nautica on his CAAAHHH a few races back. But what would they sell? Shouldn't the paint scheme reflect that somehow?"

A befuddled Ambrose then sat on the pit wall, appearing to wonder and think to himself for several hours, before he was asked to leave by track personnel.

Charlotte "News" and Notes

--So its time for a race at a place that used to be called Charlotte, then was called Lowes, and now is called Charlotte again, even though its in Concord North Carolina.

--Clint Bowyer is running a USO "Send Cheer" paint scheme this weekend, putting him in third behind Bobby Labonte and teammate Kevin Harvick for Most Paint Schemes in 2011.

--"This season, winning means more than ever, and Tony Stewart will do anything to win. He'll eat 14 Double Whoppers. He'll eat 15 Double Whoppers. He'll eat 16 Double Whoppers. He'll eat 17 Double Whoppers, if it helped him win."

--Sure, Jimmie Johnson is on the cover of Sports Illustrated, but only a small part of him. The bulk of the cover is taken up by his helmet. Does that mean that his HELMET is actually subjected to the SI Cover Jinx?

--David Gilliland is running a car sponsored by Philadelphia baking institution Tastykake. There's a bumper sticker you can buy up here that says "I BRAKE FOR TASTYKAKES". Teammate JJ Yeley plans to brake anyways for vibrationkakes.

--Here's to Chevrolet's 100th anniversary! I'm sure they'll be around for another…um, 7 years or so?

Maximum Mini!

Tens of fans have become enthralled with the adventures of "Mini-Chad"--a scaled-down cardboard cutout featuring championship crew chief/Zach Braff lookalike Chad Knaus. Other people around Nascar have jumped on the bandwagon--here's some marketing ideas you might see rolled out in the next few weeks:

--Mini-Jimmie Johnson: Much like the other mini's being profiled here, it's flat, dead-eyed and boring. Just like the real JJ!

--Mini Junior: Comes with patented Chia-technology, allowing you to grow a gnarly red beard at your pleasure.

--Mini Jason Leffler: Coming in at a 1:4th scale, its nearly invisible without the use of a microscope.

--Mini Joe Nemechek: You only get 1/400th of the cutout, before your printer stops on account of a "vibration".

--Mini Michael Waltrip Racing: Start your own race team, get caught cheating, go heavily into debt, sell half your team to Robert Kaufmann. Mini Hair Gel sold separately.

--Mini Jimmy Spencer: Just as gimmicky and annoying as the real thing. Plus, take him to a McDonalds and get two free wins from Nascar!

--Mini Mike Mackler: Say something snarky, then get de-friended on Facebook for it 2 years later. Just as depressing and pointless as the real thing! …And ladies, feel free to become Mini Mike Mackler's Girlfriend (small licensing fee may apply).

My Weekend with Stevie

I missed most of the Nascar action this weekend, as I was at the fantastic wedding of my friends Jeff and Emily. Now, this may come as a shock to absolutely no one, but I'm pretty negative in social situations. That's why I was able to procure the talents of Dale Earnhardt Jr.'s ultra-positive crew chief, Steve "Stevie" LeTarte. Here's some of the words of wisdom I had chirping in my ear.

Upon getting lost while attempting to stop for lunch in New Jersey…

"Don't worry, not a big deal, just let the GPS recalculate, we're gonna get 'em once we're back on the Turnpike."

Upon trying to check into the hotel, then finding out that my room wasn't ready…

"Don't worry, just put the luggage behind the lobby desk, we're gonna see if we can find you a room, non-smoking, just keep it steady."

Upon narrowly missing out on the garter belt toss…

"Don't worry, got a good crew here, good points day, we're staying in contention."

Upon buying drinks for two girls who I soon found out were married…

"Don't worry, just get a strong showing there, keep battlin', we want a strong points day here."

Upon getting stuck in traffic on the New Jersey Turnpike on the way home…

"Don't worry, just hold your line, heavy traffic, spotter's gonna guide ya here, try to conserve some fuel."

Upon coming home, turning on the TV, and getting a blank black screen on ESPN…

"Man, this sucks."

Kansas "News" and Notes

--How long? *FIDDLE* How long? *FIDDLE* How long till the point of no returnnnnn…well, ask Denny Hamlin.

--Reed Sorenson lost his job despite being third in points. I haven't seen such a rash decision by an owner since Tom Deland fired Cole Trickle for wrecking his teammate.

--Years from now, we'll all look back on 2011 as the year that Nascar had the ugliest pace car imaginable.

--This race was ORIGINALLY called the Hulk Casino 400, but then they went heel.

--A hot rumor has Roush-Fenway cutting back to three teams next year. If they do, maybe we'll get a reunion of Jack's most-recent three-car stable--Mark Martin, Jeff Burton, and Ted Musgrave.

Kurt Busch Issues Profanity-Laced Tirade Over Radio After Win

Shortly after crossing the finish line in first, Kurt Busch launched into a patented tirade over the radio, directed at this crew.

"Its about (BLANK)ing time, you sons of (BLANK)s. We finally got this piece of (BLANK) into victory lane. (BLANK) yeah!"

Busch continued his tirade during his burnout, saying, "Look at all that (BLANK)ing smoke, its like a monkey successfully (BLANK)ing a football out there. We're gonna light some (BLANK) up, man."

A thoroughly confused Steve Addington, Busch's crew chief/therapist, attempted to calm Busch down, but couldn't tell if his driver was happy or angry. Upon asking Busch how he felt, Busch yelled "I'm pulling into victory (BLANK)ing circle, how do you think I (BLANK)ing feel?!?"

After jumping out of his Pennzoil/Shell Dodge, Busch repeatedly slammed his fist against the roof, then threw a bottle of Pennzoil Ultra at his crew members. While maintaining a huge smile, he then proceeded to attempt to strangle ESPN Pit Reporter Dr. Jerry Punch.

"C'mere, Doc!", Busch yelled, "Ask your (BLANK)ing question, I'm right here, (BLANK)! C'mon, let's go!"

Busch was then presented with the Miles the Monster trophy, which he attempted to tear in half. After breaking both hands, he was admitted to Kent County Memorial Hospital.

Mike's Movie Preview

Its autumn, which means its time for Hollywood to roll out its award-show fodder films. Its also time for me to roll out one of my most-tired gags--Nascar's in the Movies!!!

Real Steel--A 4-hour-long documentary featuring my Dad talking about the diecast collectable industry. Not included--34 hours of additional footage of my Dad talking about the diecast collectable industry.

Dirty Girl--GoDaddy executives try to reconcile promoting their driver as a sex-symbol AND a role model for young girls. Never before has Mark Martin been so divisive.

The Thing--A proctologist's obsession with finding the golden horseshoe up Jimmie Johnson's ass.

Footloose--In the spirit of Grindhouse, this film will be a forced double-feature with Foottight.

The Big Year--Can Robby Gordon switch to Dodge, start an energy drink company, and still run a successful race team? No.

The Three Musketeers--Jeff Gordon, Jimmie Johnson, and newcomer Kasey Kahne set out to take over the Nascar world!

Trespass--Dale Earnhardt Jr. tries to get on the set of The Three Musketeers.

In Time--Old-school Nascar fans try to convince people who started watching in 2006 that, eventually, SOMEONE else will win a championship.

The Rum Diary--The Al Unser Jr. Story!

Sleeping Beauty--In the spirit of Any Warhol, this art-film is simply an 8-hour shot of Derrike Cope in bed.

Tower Heist--A group of Nascar & music enthusiasts sneak into an abandoned Tower Records warehouse searching for Kyle Petty's recording of "Oh King Richard".

Immortals--Scientists try to figure out how and why Harry Gant doesn't age.

The Descendants--Unable to get a ride, a down-on-his-luck racer reinvents himself as "The Lost Dillon Brother."

A Dangerous Method--Denny Hamlin decides that the only way to a championship is to pick-off every other Chase contender, "Homer at the Bat" style. Special cameo by Paul Menard's sideburns as Jimmie Johnson's sideburns.

Dover "News" and Notes

--Ah, Dover Downs, my home track. Nothing like sitting in 4 hours of traffic on Route 13 to put you in the mood for racing.

--Carl Edwards' dominance on concrete tracks earned him the nickname "Concrete Carl". Brad Keselowski's recent success on concrete's earning HIM the nickname "Koncrete Keselowski". Ray Evernham's started running a dirt car again--could we call him "Old Dirty Bastard"?

--Bobby Labonte's running the Grilling.com paint scheme this weekend. Wow! Finally a place to go online to learn about how many times to turn the steaks!

--When they introduced the law that forces North Carolina businesses to publicly announce possible layoffs, did they realize that it would chiefly benefit followers of Jayski?

--As a Delaware resident, I was eligible for the chance to have J.J. Yeley act as my designated driver on Saturday Night. I didn't enter because I figured he'd start & park my Honda and leave me stranded on I-95.

--Fox is bringing Michael Waltrip into the "Hollywood Hotel" in 2012, to give fans the experience of beating their heads against the wall for an hour.

Miss Coors Light…Coming Soon to a Liquor Store Near Me!

That's right, Miss Coors Light--aka The Poor Man's Miss Sprint Cup--will be appearing this Friday at a store about 10 minutes from my place. I'm thinking of going, but what should I ask her? Here's a few ideas I've had:

--Wanna "Tap the Rockies"?

--In what landfill did you dump all the David Stremme merchandise?

--Is there a Miss Original Coors who's heavier but much more fun?

--In what landfill did you dump all the Dario Franchitti merchandise?

--If Danica Patrick gets the pole next year, will somebody be Mr. Coors Light?

--In what landfill did you dump all the Sterling Marlin merchandise?

--Do YOU come with the car?

--In what landfill did you dump all the Kyle Petty merchandise?

--OK, I understand, but does the restraining order have to be 100 feet?

Tony Stewart's Gas Man Fielding Million-Dollar Offers

A possible snag has appeared in Tony Stewart's Chase for the Cup of Chicken Fries--14-team Gas Man Jeff Patterson was immediately approached after this Sunday's race with several lucrative offers.

"Its obvious that fuel mileage will determine not only races, but the whole championship", said team owner Richard Childress. "That's why we felt that we HAD to offer Mr. Patterson $1,000,000 to jump ship, plus all the Jimmy John's subs he can eat."

Very little is known about Patterson, other than the fact that he seems to have mastered the new fueling system. A perfunctory search reveals that he cut his teeth with noted Tom Cruise-lookalike Greg Sacks.

"Look, nobody likes fuel mileage races, but you race the race you're given", remarked team owner Joe Gibbs. "We've made Jeff a very lucrative offer--$750,000 per year, an unlimited supply of M&M's, and we can guarantee that he won't have to come anywhere near that weird kid in the 20 car."

Patterson was unavailable for comment, as it was still being determined if he actually WAS the gasman of the team, or if it was Rick Pigeon.

In a related story, JJ Yeley is offering his services for a "decent ham & egg breakfast".

Magic Mile Magic "News" and Magic Notes

--Ryan Newman's on the pole for this Sunday's race--could the old Ryan Newman be back? Hmmm, winning lots of poles, threat to win…oh, wait, his teammate NOW is actually winning.

--If Carl Edwards' "Do I stay? Do I go" was Nascar's version of LeBron James' The Decision, then Clint Bowyer is Nascar's Chris Bosh.

--I'm going out for drinks tonight with a friend of mine who said, and I quote: "Nobody likes Nascar! Except millions of people!"

--Ray Evernham's going to Speed. What about his son, Ray J? I mean, you can him Ray, or you can call him J, or you can call him Ray J…

--Note to anybody who considers forming an alliance with JTG/Daughtery Racing--you WILL have to listen to yells of "JUNEBUG!".

The Magic Hour

With the Nascar Chase for the Rain heading into New Hampshire this weekend, one question is on everybody's mind--how the heck did New Hampshire Motor Speedway get the nickname "The Magic Mile"? Here's some theories from the lab:

--Only the "black arts" can explain how a track SO boring got two Cup races per year.

--It has a lot in common with the Orlando Magic…in that people ask "Why the hell is there a track in New Hampshire?" the same way they ask "Why the hell is there a basketball team in Orlando?"

--That extra lap/mile they tack on to the Lenox 301? Pure magic, fellas.

--The property is owned by one of the trolls that live under Dover's Monster Bridge.

--The track's first marketing director had "Magic Man" by Heart stuck in his head (and, now, so you do).

--Originally, they wanted a more apropos nickname like "The Tricky Triangle", but "The Outrageous Oval" never made it out of the meeting room.

--David Copperfield drove by it one time back in 1995 or something.

--As the IndyCar race proved, drivers like Will Power can make two birds magically appear!

Stewart's Win Under Review After Engine Found to Help Car Over Finish Line

Controversy surrounds the recent win by Tony "Smoke" Stewart, whose finish is under review after an "engine" was found under his hood. Nascar officials state that they are "65-70% sure" that the engine helped the #14 car finish the race.

"Nascar remains ever vigilant in making sure that its drivers and teams follow the rules to the letter", Nascar Associate Director of Competition Blake Stevens said shortly after the race. "It clearly states that a car must cross the finish line under its own power--not being propelled forward by a so-called 'engine'".

Stewart is one of a number of drivers penalized following the controversial finish, joining Matt Kenseth, who was pushed on the last lap (otherwise known as "Amish Drafting") and Kevin Harvick, who was found to have illegal levels of drive, determination, and fortitude in his recent urine sample.

"We've remitted these issues to the proper departments back in Daytona Beach", Stevens continued. "There's many people involved, but its the same good folks who decided against making this race a Saturday Night race, came up with the aero-wing, and are working to bring that delightful Danica Patrick to the Nationwide Series next year."

When asked if the #88 car was found to have such violations, Stevens stammered something about bonus points, then ran away.

Chicagoland "News" and Notes

--So its the first race of the Chase…its at a track that HAS lights…and they decide to have it on a Sunday afternoon during football season?!? Zuh?

--It sounds like Clint Bowyer's going to MWR next year--unless that guy from the commercials convinces him otherwise.

--I'm watching Nationwide practice as I type this--Angela Cope literally spun out on her FIRST LAP. All looks, no talent--just like her Uncle.

--I'm watching Nationwide practice as I type this--THESE ARE THE PARTY DAYZ!

--I think we all know who needs to test the new fuel-injected cars: The guy from the Toyota Tundra commercials who goes, "Yeah ah overloaded it, but its ah test truck, right?"

--They're talking about putting a Truck race at Gresham Motorsports Park. I heard that they were thinking of putting a race at Caraway Speedway, but its gone to seed.

--A cornier joke than ever? That's a NEW…MACK…RECORD!!!

Nascar Outlines New Bonus Points for Ju--er, Chase

Rulebook, Section 8.8j(r): "Bonus" points may be earned by Dal--er, certain dr--er, any driver for the Chase by fulfilling the following:

--Highest numbered car up to 89

--Most facial hair ever grown

--Most commercials appeared in saying "see-REEES"

--Played by Chad McCumbee in ESPN film

--Teammate to Mark Martin, Jeff Gordon, AND Jimmie Johnson

--Son of a 7-time champion (NOTE: Points negated by presence of ponytail)

--Least amount of wins (NOTE: Points negated by presence of man-boobs)

Daytona Beach hit by gale-force "WHEW"'s after Richmond Race

The National Weather Service has confirmed the presence of nearly 88mph "WHEW"'s in the general vicinity of Nascar headquarters, starting shortly after the finish to Saturday Night's race.

"We first noticed them shortly after ESPN posted the entrants into the Chase for the Cup", said Chief Meteorologist Byron McCall. "We noticed the heaviest "WHEW"'s shortly after Dale Earnhardt Jr.'s name first appeared on the screen."

Experts state that the "WHEW"'s were likely caused by a high-pressure sales number to hit for t-shirt sales, combined with the fast-approaching Hurricane NFL. Furthermore, the "WHEW"s were said to be accompanied by localized "THANK GOD's" and "GET CONFIDENT, JUNIOR"s.

"We've already advised residents to prepare for the tornado-like yelling that can happen with a Dale Earnhardt Jr. win", McCall continued. "It may seem unlikely, but hey--they did have an earthquake on the East Coast a few weeks back."

In a related story, the city of Indianapolis remains under a Flash-Flood-of-Tears warning near Randy Bernard's house.

Richmond "News" and Notes

--The surprising thing isn't that Jeff Gordon's made it to 85 wins…its that a guy who was once nicknamed "Wonderboy" did it sponsored by the AARP.

--In a related story, Bobby Allison's been calling people at random to complain about how he should be credited with an additional win.

--Last week's IndyCar weekend in Baltimore (my old stomping grounds) was a good reminder of how incredibly cool the idea of street racing is, and how incredibly boring the execution of street racing is.

--Am I the only one having nightmares about that talking car in the Featherlite commercials?

--Steven Leicht moves into the #36 car this weekend. Wait a minute…THE Steven Leicht? This changes everything!

--Bad news, guys: You can't get Lake Bell by combining Lake Speed and T.J. Bell.

The Fans Against Gordon: Where Are They Now?

Jeff Gordon's 85th win prompted the question: Hey, remember that group Fans Against Gordon? What ever happened to those guys? Well, actually that's two questions, but we've found out what's happened to (most of) their chief officers...

Earl Baxter, President: Went on to found Fans Against Stewart, Fans Against Jimmie Johnson, and Fans Against Rowdy. Time constraints forced him to cut back and run the less hate-intensive Fans Against Sorenson.

Lonny Blake, Vice-President: Was immediately expelled from the group upon throwing a FULL can of beer on the track at Talladega. Current whereabouts unknown.

Steve Collins, Secretary: Realized sometime in 2009 what the abbreviation for "Fans Against Gordon" was, began beating head against wall. Currently in brain trauma ward.

Andre "Dre" Dixon, Treasurer: Currently unemployed, said to be working on screenplay for "Days of Thunder 2: Wheeler Rising".

Chrissy Randle, Director of Communications: Under house arrest for stalking Hut Stricklin.

Ryan Drew, Director of Recruitment: Still claims membership, convinced that the Drive to End Hunger is a ploy by the elderly to brainwash America's youth into liking Cole Porter.

Mark Martin, Senior Member: Uh, ok, THIS is kinda awkward...

The Other Racin' Chef

Hey everybody, The Other Racin' Chef here to show you how to throw a patented Mike Mackler Racin' Party on a Saturday Night.

First, make sure that no one else is invited over--its a party for one. Then, you gotta dress to unimpress--boxers and a t-shirt are my recommendation, but feel free to add in some jorts or sweatsocks.

Now as far as the meal goes, you're gonna wanna grab some sour cream, but make sure its NOT reduced-fat. Then getcherself a packet of onion soup mix--here's the secret--use HALF as much sour cream as it says to. Stir it up on a plate, 'cause we both know that you don't want to wash out that bowl. Pair it with some potato chips and you're ready to go.

The drink portion of the meal is open to interpretation. I'd go with some flavored Mountain Dew to start, followed by a Yuengling Lager or Natty Boh. Remember--if its somewhat natural, don't drink it.

The next day you'll probably experience some terrible gas, a pounding headache, and a sense that you're wasting your life. That's a Mike Mackler party in a nutshell!

Atlanta "News" and Notes

--J.R. Fitzpatrick, y'know, he decided to take off, eh?

--Dale Earnhardt Jr. signed his extension this week despite having gone over 100 races without a win. Uh, message for Kyle Petty: Maybe Danica isn't the "marketing machine" who's taking rides from other drivers.

--Sure, Brad Keselowski is tearing it up lately, but what happens when his ankle heals? Does anyone else imagine him begging Paul Wolfe to smash his shins with a baseball bat?

--If Clint Bowyer goes to RPM, they'll have a down-home country boy, a down under Tasmanian boy, and a boy with an awesome haircut.

--…but if Robby Gordon's forced to Start-and-Park, who will spin out by himself and force a caution with 10 laps to go?

--Remember race fans: We're just two races away from the most exciting part of the Nascar season………FOOTBALL!!!

Chad Johnston wins Moog Chassis Parts Problem Solver of the Race Award

After a hard-fought race under the lights of Bristol Motor Speedway, Chad Johnston came away with the greatest prize of all: The Moog Chassis Parts Problem Solver of the Race Award.

"This is what I've dreamt about since I was a little boy", an emotional Johnston said in Moog Chassis Parts Award-Winner Lane. "I mean, all those long nights, long hours, years of waiting for my chance--I finally did it!"

Johnston's win resulted in plaudits immediately flooding in from all corners of the racing world.

"This cat knew what it took to solve problems", said Johnston's car's team's owner Michael Waltrip. "I knew when I hired this cat, he'd see what the problem was and solve it like the Moog Chassis Parts Problem Solving Cat of the Race Award-winning cat he was destined to be, cat cat cat."

Johnston, who says be plans to buy a mantle tomorrow upon which to place his trophy, said that the thought of retiring on top "…crossed his mind", but he will continue on in order to defend the honor.

"They say that the only thing harder than winning the Moog Chassis Parts Problem Solver of the Race Award is winning the Moog Chassis Parts Problem Solver of the Race Award twice. You'd better look out next week, Nascar problem solvers, because I'll be back at Atlanta, ready to solve!"

Bristol "News" and Notes

--After all those months of waiting, we finally have our answer. Its official--Scott Speed is running the #46 car for the rest of the year.

--A minor earthquake hit the east coast on Wednesday. Joe Nemechek tried to warm people, but they're just so used to hearing him talk about vibrations.

--Denny Hamlin received a text of encouragement from none other than Michael Jordan. MJ must have $500,000 on Denny making the Chase.

--Jimmie Johnson threw out the first pitch at a Cubs game this week. No word on if he got any advice from Chet Steadman or Phil Brickma.

--Condolences to Patrick Carpentier whose retirement race was ended prematurely by the nephew of that guy who did a bunch of Stacker 2 commercials.

Mike Skinner Shows Progress with 42nd-place Finish

Nascar Driver Mike Skinner, best known up till this point for winning a meaningless race in Japan about 12 years ago, finally appeared to gain some career momentum with a 2nd-to-last place finish at Michigan on Sunday.

"Our team really needed this", said Skinner, known as "Angie's Bus-driver" to 2 or 3 fans. "After all those vibrations and ignition problems, it was great to come out of here with just a transmission issue…or rear gear, or whatever the hell it was."

Skinner went on to say that he envisions a day when the 60 car finishes in the top-40 on a regular basis, with an occasional top-35 run "…when the handling isn't acting up."

"We're showing everybody what a team with no money, no sponsors, and no driver can do" said owner Bob Germain. When informed that Big Red is, in fact, the team's sponsor, Germain shrugged his shoulders and appeared to start crying.

Skinner, formerly known as That Guy Dale Earnhardt Sr. Hated, said that he's most excited about the possibility of winning $1,000,000 in the Sprint Summer Showdown. When asked how he qualified for the prize, Skinner responded, "Well, we haven't ACTUALLY qualified OFFICIALLY yet, I just know that Kyle Busch will list us as his charity of choice."

Michigan "News" and Notes

--Boris Said gets drafted into a fight (with Greg Biffle), then flees to Canada--man, this really IS his Vietnam!

--Its good to see that Nascar got all its "excitement" out of the way on Monday. Now we can go back to our regularly scheduled fuel-mileage races.

--Not being from the Midwest, I had no idea that the purity of Michigan was an issue.

--Now that Danica's committed to running a full Nationwide schedule in 2012, we've got to make sure that we don't get sick of her. Hmmm…think they still have access to that box they put her in in that commercial?

--Back to Boris vs. Biffle--Biff kept referring to it being like 5th grade, "We'll fight at the fence at 3pm". Who does that? I never got MY fights scheduled as a kid, I just got my ass kicked at random intervals.

SummerShowdownSlam

While the WWE had THEIR big fight card last Sunday, we here at The Pits are working hard to bring you Nascar's biggest battles. Here's a preview of the scheduled bouts (card subject to change)

DARK MATCHES

"Front Row" Joe Nemechek (Managed by Robby Gordon) vs. Kevin "The Hard Way" Conway in an ExtenZe-on-a-pole Match.

The Overexposed (Michael "The Cat" Waltrip & Darrell "Boogity" Waltrip) vs. The Dangerously Underexposed ("Dig" Doug Ladd & Mike "The" Mackler)

PPV MATCHES

Women's Championship Match: Delana "Fire Suit Fireball" Harvick vs. The Masked Wrestler (no one knows who he/she is, only that he only seems to win when its raining)

Million-in-the-Bank Match: Paul Menard"burns" vs. Marcos Ambrose"before hoes" vs. "Bad" Brad Keselowski

Nascar's Sexiest Legends Pose-Off: Derrike "Two Wins" Cope vs. Jimmy "Two, um, totally legit, wins" Spencer

Fandemonium Match: As voted on by the fans, Kyle Busch takes on Mike Tyson (WARNING: Viewership may be extraordinarily high for this match)

Intercontinental Tire Match: Greg "The Biff" Biffle (with manager David Ragan) vs. Boris "Badenov" Said

World Title Match: Kurt "I'm Single, Ladies!" Busch vs. Jimmie "The Robot" Johnson

Race on the Radio

Due to work requirements I was unable to watch the Heluva Wet at the Glen today. Instead, I listened on the radio as my favorite driver, Marcos Ambrose, won what sounded like a wild one. Here's some other observations from listening to a race instead of watching it:

--Listening to Barney Hall is a lot like listening to my Grandpa, except that I actually WANT to hear what Barney Hall has to say.

--There's essentially no "studio crew/Hollywood Hotel", which meant going a whole race without hearing a really tall guy yell out, "JUNEBUG!!!"

--I don't know if all the local commercials had a subliminal effect on me, but I really want to have an Auto Counter Speedstakes for dinner tonight.

--My "local" affiliate, WDSD, refers to itself as "…a 50,000 Watt Nascar Blowtorch". Um, how is being a blowtorch a good thing?

--I've been told I'd do well in radio, but they already have one Moody guy at MRN.

Watkins Glen "News" and Notes

--Remember when this race was called "The Bud at the Glen"? I always thought that sounded like a good place to stage a fistfight. "Oh, I'll fight you…meet me Sunday…at The Bud…AT THE GLEN"

--Scott Speed's sponsor for this weekend is listed as "Green Stuff", which might be the vaguest name for a sponsor in Nascar's history. Here's hoping that Erik Darnell picks up support from "Company, Incorporated".

--The race for the Chase is really weighing heavily on some drivers--rumor has it that Tony Stewart's up to 2 packs of miniburgers a day.

--Kurt Busch and Jimmie Johnson will probably lay off each other this weekend, but I wouldn't be surprised to see one of them give the other "The Middle Finger Lake".

--Anyone else surprised that pot was being imported to EGR AFTER Junior moved to Hendrick?

Hurts so Good, but it STILL HURTS. OW!

In honor of Brad Keselowski's recent win on a broken ankle, we take a look back at some other triumphs over injury in Nascar's history.

1953--Tim Flock wins easily at Hickory Motor Speedway despite the notable detriment of having a monkey in the car with him.

1965--That guy at the end of the bar sees Ned Jarrett win a race at Darlington despite having three broken legs and missing an arm, because drivers were tougher back then.

1983--Richard Petty wins at Charlotte after his brother callously puts an oversized engine in the car, which Richard knew absolutely nothing about whatsoever.

1990--Even though he is obviously too sexy for his car, too sexy for his firesuit, and too sexy for his sponsors, Derrike Cope wins twice.

1999--Despite an undiagnosed pinched nerve, Dale Earnhardt Sr. is able to fight through the pain to spin out Terry Labonte at Bristol.

2006-2010--Jimmie Johnson puts a stranglehold on Nascar's championship despite having been born without sweat glands.

Other People, Places and Things in Jimmie Johnson's Mental File

--Kyle Busch

--Anyone named "Busch" for that matter

--That wall at Watkins Glen

--Cottage cheese

--Guy who gave me a swirly in 10th grade

--Tony Kornheiser

--Woman who ruined the end of "The Sixth Sense" for me

--Gary Cherone

Robby Gordon to Skip Upcoming Race for Family Matters Marathon

Upon discovering that TBS will be running a 12-hour marathon of the 90's sitcom "Family Matters", Robby Gordon has decided to skip this week's upcoming race.

"We are all committed to keeping the #7 Dodge in the Top-35 in points here at Robby Gordon Motorsports--all 9 of us", Gordon said in a press release. "But the opportunity to see the episode where Eddie, Steve, and Waldo get stuck on the fire escape is too good to pass up."

Gordon went on to explain that, while his sponsor (Speed Energy) originally had some reservations about his skipping the race, a 4-hour-long conversation with a mirror convinced him otherwise.

"I checked my TV-Listings thing on my cable system, and there's some really good episodes this Sunday", Gordon explained in a recent interview. "The one where Carl and Eddie rebuild a police car, the one where Harriet embarrasses Laura in front of her friends, even the first appearance of Stephan Urquell. Its just too good to pass up. I can run a race and spin out on the last lap any day."

Rumors abound as to who will run the #7 car this Sunday, as normal substitute Scott Wimmer is "booked solid" with a rare showing of the first few episodes of "Step by Step".

Erik Darnell Changes Name to Erik DAMNell

In an attempt to jump-start his stalled racing career, former "Roush Racing: Driver X" star Erik Darnell has legally changed his name by deed poll to Erik DAMNell.

"That's capital D, capital A, capital M, capital N, buddy!", said an unusually intense DAMNell shortly after the change became official. "I don't care what that judge said, this is NOT the stupidest thing he's ever heard of!

"Whitney Motorsports is gonna take over the NASCAR world, man! We don't have any pesky sponsors to waste our time on, so we can focus on what's really important--qualifying!"

The driver--who, before the name change was a member of the Reggie Cleveland All-Stars--has taken to giving fans the "finger-gun" hand motion, and is wearing those weird sunglasses that wrap over the head, not the sides.

DAMNell added, "This is just like when Ted Musgrave became Mad-Dog Musgrave--we're gonna shock the world!"

DAMNell's first race after the name change started in Row 20, then ended after 7 laps due to a "X-TREEM vibration".

Owners Vote to Lockout Drivers from Super-cool Fort

The labor strife that shutdown the NFL offseason and threatens the NBA's upcoming season has finally spread to NASCAR. A consortium of NASCAR team-owners have voted to lockout all drivers from their new super-cool fort.

"We feel that we negotiated in good faith", said chief negotiator and General-at-Arms Rick Hendrick. "We simply asked for drivers to commit to bringing chips and dip every time they came over. The divers, however, wanted to continue with the pre-existing agreement to only bring soda. In this economy, we needed change."

Fellow owner and Vice-President/Chief Tree Branch Engineer Roger Penske echoed Hendrick's remarks. "This is a new reality we're living in--comic books and candy bars cost much more than they used to, and we need more cost certainty from the drivers. Plus, they have yet to address the feasibility of that 2nd-level in the big tree they've been whining about."

Reportedly the lockout disallows any visits by any drivers to the super-cool fort until an agreement is reached. Drivers also must turn in their secret decoder rings and water balloons as of Midnight tomorrow night.

Players appeared to put on a united front of defiance and ambivalence to the owners demands.

"Who care about their smelly old fort anyways?" said Jamie McMurray, formerly the Cootie-Prevention Czar. "We got this really neat crawl space in Bobby Labonte's basement we're setting up. Its gonna have chairs and everything!"

When asked about the status of owner/drivers, Chief of Communications/Head Taunter Joe Gibbs said that Tony Stewart would be welcome to come as long as he kept bringing "…those Heads or Tails Double Stuf Oreos." Fellow owner/driver Robby Gordon would also be welcome, though he hasn't been seen by anyone for months.

Pocono "News" and Notes

--Well, Carl Edwards is staying with Roush. I, for one, was surprised that he didn't even CONSIDER that offer from HP Racing.

--Now the speculation is to who will be driving the #20 Camry in 2012. Rumors have everyone from Brian Vickers to David Ragan piloting the car, with the long-shot, dark-horse candidate being the relatively unproven Joey Logano.

--Brad Keselowski hurt his ankle so bad that it swelled up to Jimmy Spencer-size.

--Jeff Gordon says he likes Pocono because he can commute with his family from his New York City apartment. Because nothing's more fun than driving two hours plus in traffic with two young children.

--Nascar Now is counting down the Top 10 Nascar moments on ESPN, which gave us a look at the first ever ESPN Nascar telecast. In case you're wondering, Bob Jenkins looked like Timothy Van Patten, while Eli Gold looked like a grown-up Ralph Wiggum.

--Remember kids: Stay in Hendrickcars.com School!

Power Rankings…SPECIAL GUEST RANKER (or RANCOR)

1. Carl Edwards--Carl will still have to think long and hard about that offer from Nemco Motorsports

2. Jimmie Johnson--What's more--average number of tire changes per race, or number of tire changers this season on JJ's crew?

3. Kevin Harvick--Delana says that a Cup more for KHI "isn't being planned". Sorry, JoLo.

4. Kyle Busch--Kyle has 666 points! He's the devil!

5. Matt Kenseth--Matt has 666 points! He's the devil's boring brother!

6. Kurt Busch--Kurt's the opposite of more DJ's--he only curses ON the radio.

7. Jeff Gordon--Jeff was charging through the field like Cole Trickle on Sunday. No word on if Ingrid was fretting in the pits next to Robert Duvall.

8. Ryan Newman--Ryan's strong showing has dramatically increased the public's awareness of CNC automation machines.

9. Tony Stewart--Ryan better not block Tony in the standings.

10. Dale Earnhardt Jr.--Junior was rambling about "some guy" blocking him in the pits. I get the feeling that "some guy" has finished ahead of Junior virtually every race the past 2 years.

11. Denny Hamlin--Dominating at Pocono, the most boring track on the schedule, is like dating every member of the chess team.

12. Paul Menard--That banjo music sounds jusssst a little bit less annoying this week.

Win at Brickyard a Major Step Forward for Sideburns

With his recent win at Indy, Paul Menard took a huge step forward not just for his own career, but for the sideburn hairstyle he has supported for over a decade.

"I really want to just say that this proves that a man with sideburns can succeed", a jubilant but pensive Menard said in victory lane. "They said I couldn't do it with the 'burns, that I was wasting my time trimming them to just the right length, but today makes all the trying worthwhile."

In the hours following the win, Menard said that he had already received congratulatory messages from such sideburned luminaries as Luke Perry and Carl

Yastrzemski. Former Baltimore Oriole star Brady Anderson tweeted "Great win for the 'burned one! #Whathappenedtome"

Menard also acknowledged the contributions of his hairstyle by turning his head sideways (both) ways, thus allowing his sideburns to "kiss" the row of bricks.

"This was a win for me, my family, our team, and day-glo yellow, but more importantly it was a win for sideburns", Menard said. "Never again will we be 2nd-class follicles".

Indy "News" and Notes

--Well, with Fox and TNT done for the season, its that time of the year again--Larry Mac, back in your cave!

--They say that nobody remembers who comes in 2nd. Well, Brett Bodine came in 2nd at the first Brickyard 400. I'm not proud that I know that.

--So Travis Pastrana is competing in the X-Games, then going to IRP--er, ORP--er, LOR to run in the Nationwide Series race? This seems like one of those Brady Bunch episodes where Marsha tries to keep dates with two different guys at the same time. Once again, I'm not proud that I know that.

--The Brickyard 400--its like a 500-mile race at Pocono, but with less time to nap!

--David Ragan's running his Ned Jarrett tribute paint scheme on Sunday. In a related story, a start & parker will run a Glen Jarrett tribute paint scheme on Saturday.

--If you're going to the race, have a good time, but stay safe--Indy is the stomping grounds of the dreaded Mears Gang.

Theme Music

If there's one thing we've learned from Bristol, its that Nascar is better with theme music. With that in mind, here's some midseason suggestions for Nascar's best and brightest (and Martin Truex)

David Reutimann--Saved by Zero by The Fixx

Jamie McMurray--Mac the Knife (2011 remix by Larry McReynolds)

Brad Keselowski--Something by The Coasters

Kasey Kahne--Pretty Girl Rock by Keri Hilson

Mark Martin--Old Man by Neil Young

David Ragan--Looped dialogue from Beavis & Butt-head ("Huh-huh-huh…brown")

Robby Gordon--Here I go Again by Whitesnake

Marcos Ambrose--Anything by Tool

Denny Hamlin--I Love to Show Up Shirtless in Commercials by Denny Hamlin

Casey Mears--What the Hell Happened to Me by Adam Sandler

Tony Stewart--Baby Got Back by Sir Mix-a-Lot

Greg Biffle--Three (M)'s Company Theme Song

Matt Kenseth--Purple Rain by Prince

Kyle Busch--Bitch by Meredith Brooks

Joey Logano--The Climb by Miley Cyrus (pumps him up before a race)

Kurt Busch--Back the F*** Up by The Onyx

Jeff Gordon--Hungry Eyes by Eric Carmen

Paul Menard--Yellow Submarine by The Beatles

Kevin Harvick--Come On, Get Happy by the Partridge Family

Jeff Burton--Year of the Cat by Al Stewart

Clint Bowyer--Leaving (on a Jet Plane) by John Denver

David Gilliland--Anything by a One Hit Wonder

Travid Kvapil--Looped dialogue from Beavis & Butt-head ("Heh-heh-heh…long")

Ryan Newman--Seinfeld Theme Song

Juan Pablo Montoya--Whatcha Gonna Do by Pablo Cruise

AJ Almendinger--Canadian National Anthem by Me ("Al-men-ding-er…you have a real hot wife…")

Bobby Labonte--Coat of Many Colors by Dolly Parton

Jimmie Johnson--Simply the Best by Ti…zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Martin Truex Jr.--Theme from Martin

Regan Smith--Rocky Mountain High by John Denver

Brian Vickers--Red Rain by Peter Gabriel

Dale Earnhardt Jr.--Bang the Drum All Day by Todd Rundgren

Carl Edwards--Cousin Dupree by Steely Dan