Auto Club "News" and Notes

--It was smart for Auto Club of Southern California to take the naming rights for California Speedway. I know that if I ever move to Southern California, and I still have a car, and I want protection in case I lock my keys in it, Auto Club is one of the many options I have.

--Carl Edwards trained with a SWAT-team earlier this week. He's learning to be so stealth that no one even knows that he's there--just like Josh Wise!

--Kasey Kahne is in danger of falling out of the top-35, meaning that he might have to qualify on time next week. No, that's not a joke.

--Allstate joins Bass Pro Shops as a primary sponsor for Jamie McMurray this weekend. Well-budgeted sponsorships of mid-level drivers should be prudent and deliberate--that's Allstate's stand.

--Jimmy John's is on the 29 car this weekend for the first time this season. I ate at a Jimmy John's for the first time last week, and its a great place to get a sandwich if there's no good sandwich shops in your town.

Why is That Man Not Smiling?

Earlier this week, I asked ESPN.com Nascar wag Terry Blount the question on all our minds: Had he ever seen Mike Helton smile? His response? "Once, back in 1997". While I'm sure he was joshing for effect (he at least smiled twice since then), it begs the question, why does Mike Helton NEVER smile? Here's some theories:

--As part of the "hazing" ritual for joining Nascar's upper-management, had to stare at a naked picture of Jimmy Spencer for 10 minutes straight…he was never really the same after that.

--Following his dream of running a major sports league meant forgoing his other dream, becoming a Rockette.

--Every time J.C. France gets arrested, he's gotta go down to Volusia County Penitentiary to bail him out.

--Never received his anticipated 1994 Christmas Bonus, a Spin Doctors boxed set.

--Says, "No, I'm not related to the baseball player" an average of 8.7 times per day.

--Gave his cellphone number to Kenny Wallace a few years back, and its been all downhill from there.

--He never got to see his hero, Rick Mast, win a race.

--Is prohibited by law from growing a bigger mustache.

--His "Great American Novel" about a hard-boiled crime-solving motorsports director who plays by his own rules has only sold fifteen copies.

--Bud Selig gets written about by Rob Neyer. David Stern gets written about by David Stern. Mike Helton gets written about by Mike Mackler.

MWR Congratulates Mark Vicktrip on Strong Start

After yet another top 10, Michael Waltrip Racing showed its confidence in driver Mark Vicktrip making the Chase.

"These--I mean, THIS--cat has really showed us something this year", said team owner Michael Waltrip. "It was tough to step out of the car, but this Mark Vicktrip has really shown us something."

"We're going for the Chase, no question about it", said team co-owner Rob Kauffman. "Mark Vicktrip combines the best of, oh, lets say, three worlds--experience, youth, and marketability."

Mark Vicktrip was unavailable for comment following the race, again, but issued the following statement: "There were some concerns about me running the whole season, but ever since my boyhood days in Arkansas, North Carolina, and Kentucky I've dreamed of making the Chase. When the other drivers see my wrinkled, bearded, hair-gelled-up head in the rear-view mirror, they know that Mark Vicktrip is on the move!"

In a related story, Tony Stewart has vowed revenge against the driver of the 33 car, Elldan Gaugler.

Late-Breaking Bristol "News" and Notes

--Back from Charlotte, and able to tell you that, up close, Greg Biffle DOES kinda look like Nicolas Cage.

--Danica Patrick says she'll be running in Tony Stewart's Prelude to the Dream. Well, with no commercials to get in the way, she can finally get some TV time.

--After this weekend's motorcycle races Daytona will repave the sections of the track burned by the infamous Jet-Dryer mishap. I wonder how those motorcycles are doing racing through a construction zone over steel plates.

--And now, its time for, What Sponsor's On Aric Amirola's Hood THIS Week: Charter Communications.

--When they run that commercial talking about how "promising young drivers" don't have to wait to star in Nascar, why do they show Elliott Sadler?

--You can buy a 4'' by 4'' block of space on Trevor Bayne's Nationwide car for the NEXT Bristol race for $1,900. Hmm, what if Chevy buys some space?

Las Vegas "News" and Notes, The Early Edition

--After Tony Stewart's engine refused to re-fire last week due to computer issues, Smoke has vowed to only run Mac's for the rest of the season. In a related story, Tony now has to print out his lap times and hand-deliver them to Nascar.

--Richard Petty Fantasy Camp will be sponsoring the #43 this weekend. Participants at the Richard Petty Fantasy Camp get to live just like the King: Scrounging for sponsors, dealing with an off-center son, and wondering when Cerberus Capital is going to pay you the money they owe you.

--Infineon will no longer be sponsoring Sears Point Raceway. Jeez, now we'll NEVER know what an Infineon is.

--For those of you who don't live in the Mid-Atlantic region, Ollie's Bargain Outlet is a closeout store whose mascot vaguely resembles Steve Waid.

--On Sunday I leave on my trip to Charlotte and Mooresville, so I won't have any articles until NEXT Saturday evening at the very earliest. Hopefully I don't get punched out by Mike Skinner.

Tony Stewart Suffers Engine Failure Due to Cookie Debris

A promising day turned south quickly for Smoke, as a rogue Oreo found its way into the fuel injection system of his car.

"I shut down the engine, and as I hit the switch, one of my mid-race snacks must have fallen under the hood", a crestfallen Stewart told reporters after the race.

"We took a look at the EFI system after the race, and found the tell-tale evidence of crumbs and creme", said SHR Engineer Lon Byron. "We thought we had this solved after the Taquitos incident two years ago at 'Dega, but I guess we still have work to do."

Stewart pointed out that the majority of his Oreos were consumed early in the race, "…but I always try to save a few for the last third of the race. I have some Ritz Crackers in there too, but we have yet to find out how to bring cheese in the car."

Stewart-Haas Teammate Ryan Newman was spun out after he was spotted eating a Quizno's Chicken Carbonara by Carl Edwards. Team officials say they plan to "look over every aspect of our driver feeding process" going into next week at Las Vegas.

"Our drivers have to stay full, that's a given", Byron added. "The important thing is making sure that some foreign object doesn't overshadow our performance. I mean, come on, we're not Brad Keselowski here."

On a brighter note, SHR driver Danica Patrick had her best race of the year by not running.

Phoenix "News" and Notes

--After weeks and weeks of watching Speed and ESPN hype up Daytona, the start of the season, now we get to hear them say, "Now the season REALLY starts".

--Drivers who had a bad run at Daytona can just do what Kurt Busch did--go to Phoenix!

--A San Diego sports guy was suspended for calling Danica Patrick "…a word that starts with B, and its not Beautiful". Hmmm, so if he was talking about me, would he have called me "…a slang word that starts with H, and its not Hungry"?

--Penske moves to Ford in 2013, leaving Dodge with just one team going forward. Well, it looks like Robby Gordon's plan for domination of FIAT just took another step forward!

--David Ragan will have Barrett-Jackson on the hood this weekend, providing that desired synergy between high-end auto auctions and energy-infused pudding.

--I don't want to say that Rick Hendrick isn't hopeful about Chad Knaus's appeal, but he was spotted talking to Harry Hogge yesterday.

--Brad Daughtery said that Brad Keselowski should have been fined by Nascar for having his smart phone with him at Daytona. So in Daughtery's mind, having a smart phone is terrible, but haulin' the mail in your car is OK?

No Points, No Problem!

A brief sampling of the drivers who currently have more drivers points than Jimmie Johnson.

Tony Stewart

Greg Biffle

Aric Amirola

David Stremme

Mike Wallace

Ed Berrier

Derrike "Mike Honcho" Cope

Lake Speed

Scott Speed

Speed Racer

Stroker Ace

Ace Fraley

That Jet Dryer Driver

Reggie Theus

Reggie Jackson

Jermaine Jackson

Me

My Mom

My Dad

and yes, even You (…unless you're Jimmie Johnson)

Rain Dominates Daytona 500, Emerges as Early Championship Threat

Proving that momentum CAN carry over an offseason, last year's Chase dominator, Drizzle Rain, cruised to an easy win at the 2012 Daytona 500.

"This was a date we had circled on our calendars all off-season long", a triumphant Rain explained in Victory Lane. "We knew that we'd let the 2011 Championship slip out of our hands, so we wanted to start strong. We did it, man, we did it!"

Despite hopes that several drivers could break Rain's stranglehold on the lead, few mounted anything resembling a competition in the late stages of the race. Shootout winner Kyle Busch said that, "…while we thought we could have a shot, Rain just wouldn't let up. Its probably the most unrelenting performance I've seen since they dominated Atlanta last year."

After emerging from the car, Rain thanked "…team owner Mother Nature, sponsors Aquafina, Dasani, Evian, Deer Park, Pabst Blue Ribbon, Arrowhead, and all the clouds back at the shop."

Surprising, despite Rain's complete and total domination of the race, it still got less TV time than Danica Patrick.

Daytona 500 "News" and Notes

--Racing's Back!!!

--In an ESPN interview, Kurt Busch mentioned that "no one knows what its like to drive one of those race cars at almost 200 mph)". Um, except about 200 other racers who do so without spazzing out on their radios.

--Tony Stewart mentioned that, on account of his Oreo sponsorship, he gets to "…eat Oreos all weekend". No word of if Tony dunks them in Schlitz.

--BK Racing is running Burger King logos on their cars despite not receiving any money from Burger King. Jeez, how come no one ever does that for ME?

--Seeing a Richard Petty-owned 43 car in the Nationwide Series is jarring, but still not as jarring as the list of drivers who drove the 43 CUP car after Petty retired.

--Can Trevor Bayne repeat at Daytona? Not if Derrike Cope has anything to say about it...

Driver besides Danica Patrick wins wild Budweiser Shootout

The Nascar Sprint Cup Series season got off to a wild start last night, as 25 drivers not including Danica Patrick put on a great show in the Shootout.

"It was amazing seeing the show they put on with Danica in the booth", said overall sports fan Byron Earl. "I tuned in to see a great race with Danica, and while she didn't actually COMPETE, Fox didn't let me down."

"We know what Nascar fans come to see", said Fox Sports executive Steve Wilcox. "They come to see great action, Michael Waltrip, and great action joked about by Michael Waltrip. But to bring MORE fans into the sport, we need to remind everyone constantly that a woman is running 10 races this year."

Last night's race, won by a driver of similar size and popularity to Danica, but not Danica, serves as a prelude to a season where the sport will be focused on the biggest Danica-centric storylines. Fox has already promised a "Danica-Watch" for all Sprint Cup races in which she IS entered, and a "Danica-Recap" for all races in which she is NOT entered.

"We found it difficult to recap Danica's 2012 progress in the Shootout, since she had yet to run a race", continued Wilcox. "Thankfully we had the ability to bring her on the air and promote her upcoming interview by Michael Waltrip's brother."

Sports fan Earl pointed out that, "…despite the fact that I've already seen about 20 excerpts of DW's interview with Danica, I still plan to tune in to the Daytona 500 pre-race. Maybe they can ask her some tougher questions, like if she's in it to win it, or if she thinks its a real learning process."

Budweiser Shootout "News" and Notes

--After a long, arduous off-season, we're finally back to racing! And, in about a week, we'll finally be back to meaningful racing that people actually care about!

--The qualifying order will be determined by something called a "Draw Party". I'd put my money on David Ragan getting the pole--he does a great caricature of Mike Helton as an 1890's dandy.

--Speaking of David Ragan, he'll be running the race with sponsorship from "Power Pak Pudding". Its about time--I can't tell you how many times I've been disappointed by the lack of power in pudding.

--Kurt Busch, meanwhile, will be making his debut for Phoenix Racing. If they want to stop him from cursing over the radio, just don't install a radio. Then he'll have to communicate by hand-signals. Um, might want to tape down his middle finger too.

--This race is our first chance to see if "pack racing" has returned to Daytona. Instead of the "two-car tango", this is more of a "twenty car mosh pit".

--Congrats to Kevin "Happy" Harvick, whose wife Delana is expecting a baby boy later this year. Soon, Kevin will have a new nickname: The Sleepless Speedster.

Mike's Winter Dumping Ground Movie Preview

Traditionally Hollywood has used the January-February period to "dump" its worst movies on an unsuspecting public. Needless to say, one way to fight through the cinematic muck is to base your movie on Nascar. Here's some examples coming soon to a theater near you:

The Grey: 12 Nascar Camping World Truck Series fans try to make it through a 200-mile race, containing 80 Just for Men Touch of Grey commercials.

One for the Money: Intrepid explorer Brian "Frenchy" France tries to find the rarest of finds--a race team that made money withOUT starting and parking.

We Need to Talk about Kevin: A crew of RCR garage workers have a sit-down with Richard Childress, explaining that since he sold KHI, Kevin Harvick has refused to stop hanging around the shop.

The Woman in Black: Johana Long tries to figure out why she gets about 1% the attention of Danica Patrick, despite having about the same amount of talent. With Bob Guccione as "GoDaddy Executive".

The Innkeepers: When Mike Mackler (played by Morgan Freeman) checks into the cheapest hotel he can find in the Charlotte area, the hotel staff desperately tries to figure out what his problem is.

Big Miracle: Can Dover actually sell out one of its races this year? (Spoiler Alert: No)

The Vow: Nascar pledges to increase ethnic diversity in 2012 by showing such drivers as Aric Amirola and…um…well….

Undefeated: Documentary on Michael McDowell's attempt to break J.D. McDuffie's record of most races without a win.

Perfect Sense: Filmed version of Clint Bowyer's one-man show, in which he counts the money he made by moving to MWR.