Saturday, April 14, 2012

Auto Club "News" and Notes

--It was smart for Auto Club of Southern California to take the naming rights for California Speedway. I know that if I ever move to Southern California, and I still have a car, and I want protection in case I lock my keys in it, Auto Club is one of the many options I have.

--Carl Edwards trained with a SWAT-team earlier this week. He's learning to be so stealth that no one even knows that he's there--just like Josh Wise!

--Kasey Kahne is in danger of falling out of the top-35, meaning that he might have to qualify on time next week. No, that's not a joke.

--Allstate joins Bass Pro Shops as a primary sponsor for Jamie McMurray this weekend. Well-budgeted sponsorships of mid-level drivers should be prudent and deliberate--that's Allstate's stand.

--Jimmy John's is on the 29 car this weekend for the first time this season. I ate at a Jimmy John's for the first time last week, and its a great place to get a sandwich if there's no good sandwich shops in your town.

Why is That Man Not Smiling?

Earlier this week, I asked ESPN.com Nascar wag Terry Blount the question on all our minds: Had he ever seen Mike Helton smile? His response? "Once, back in 1997". While I'm sure he was joshing for effect (he at least smiled twice since then), it begs the question, why does Mike Helton NEVER smile? Here's some theories:

--As part of the "hazing" ritual for joining Nascar's upper-management, had to stare at a naked picture of Jimmy Spencer for 10 minutes straight…he was never really the same after that.

--Following his dream of running a major sports league meant forgoing his other dream, becoming a Rockette.

--Every time J.C. France gets arrested, he's gotta go down to Volusia County Penitentiary to bail him out.

--Never received his anticipated 1994 Christmas Bonus, a Spin Doctors boxed set.

--Says, "No, I'm not related to the baseball player" an average of 8.7 times per day.

--Gave his cellphone number to Kenny Wallace a few years back, and its been all downhill from there.

--He never got to see his hero, Rick Mast, win a race.

--Is prohibited by law from growing a bigger mustache.

--His "Great American Novel" about a hard-boiled crime-solving motorsports director who plays by his own rules has only sold fifteen copies.

--Bud Selig gets written about by Rob Neyer. David Stern gets written about by David Stern. Mike Helton gets written about by Mike Mackler.


MWR Congratulates Mark Vicktrip on Strong Start

After yet another top 10, Michael Waltrip Racing showed its confidence in driver Mark Vicktrip making the Chase.

"These--I mean, THIS--cat has really showed us something this year", said team owner Michael Waltrip. "It was tough to step out of the car, but this Mark Vicktrip has really shown us something."

"We're going for the Chase, no question about it", said team co-owner Rob Kauffman. "Mark Vicktrip combines the best of, oh, lets say, three worlds--experience, youth, and marketability."

Mark Vicktrip was unavailable for comment following the race, again, but issued the following statement: "There were some concerns about me running the whole season, but ever since my boyhood days in Arkansas, North Carolina, and Kentucky I've dreamed of making the Chase. When the other drivers see my wrinkled, bearded, hair-gelled-up head in the rear-view mirror, they know that Mark Vicktrip is on the move!"

In a related story, Tony Stewart has vowed revenge against the driver of the 33 car, Elldan Gaugler.


Late-Breaking Bristol "News" and Notes

--Back from Charlotte, and able to tell you that, up close, Greg Biffle DOES kinda look like Nicolas Cage.

--Danica Patrick says she'll be running in Tony Stewart's Prelude to the Dream. Well, with no commercials to get in the way, she can finally get some TV time.

--After this weekend's motorcycle races Daytona will repave the sections of the track burned by the infamous Jet-Dryer mishap. I wonder how those motorcycles are doing racing through a construction zone over steel plates.

--And now, its time for, What Sponsor's On Aric Amirola's Hood THIS Week: Charter Communications.

--When they run that commercial talking about how "promising young drivers" don't have to wait to star in Nascar, why do they show Elliott Sadler?

--You can buy a 4'' by 4'' block of space on Trevor Bayne's Nationwide car for the NEXT Bristol race for $1,900. Hmm, what if Chevy buys some space?


Las Vegas "News" and Notes, The Early Edition

--After Tony Stewart's engine refused to re-fire last week due to computer issues, Smoke has vowed to only run Mac's for the rest of the season. In a related story, Tony now has to print out his lap times and hand-deliver them to Nascar.

--Richard Petty Fantasy Camp will be sponsoring the #43 this weekend. Participants at the Richard Petty Fantasy Camp get to live just like the King: Scrounging for sponsors, dealing with an off-center son, and wondering when Cerberus Capital is going to pay you the money they owe you.

--Infineon will no longer be sponsoring Sears Point Raceway. Jeez, now we'll NEVER know what an Infineon is.

--For those of you who don't live in the Mid-Atlantic region, Ollie's Bargain Outlet is a closeout store whose mascot vaguely resembles Steve Waid.

--On Sunday I leave on my trip to Charlotte and Mooresville, so I won't have any articles until NEXT Saturday evening at the very earliest. Hopefully I don't get punched out by Mike Skinner.

Tony Stewart Suffers Engine Failure Due to Cookie Debris

A promising day turned south quickly for Smoke, as a rogue Oreo found its way into the fuel injection system of his car.

"I shut down the engine, and as I hit the switch, one of my mid-race snacks must have fallen under the hood", a crestfallen Stewart told reporters after the race.

"We took a look at the EFI system after the race, and found the tell-tale evidence of crumbs and creme", said SHR Engineer Lon Byron. "We thought we had this solved after the Taquitos incident two years ago at 'Dega, but I guess we still have work to do."

Stewart pointed out that the majority of his Oreos were consumed early in the race, "…but I always try to save a few for the last third of the race. I have some Ritz Crackers in there too, but we have yet to find out how to bring cheese in the car."

Stewart-Haas Teammate Ryan Newman was spun out after he was spotted eating a Quizno's Chicken Carbonara by Carl Edwards. Team officials say they plan to "look over every aspect of our driver feeding process" going into next week at Las Vegas.

"Our drivers have to stay full, that's a given", Byron added. "The important thing is making sure that some foreign object doesn't overshadow our performance. I mean, come on, we're not Brad Keselowski here."

On a brighter note, SHR driver Danica Patrick had her best race of the year by not running.


Phoenix "News" and Notes

--After weeks and weeks of watching Speed and ESPN hype up Daytona, the start of the season, now we get to hear them say, "Now the season REALLY starts".

--Drivers who had a bad run at Daytona can just do what Kurt Busch did--go to Phoenix!

--A San Diego sports guy was suspended for calling Danica Patrick "…a word that starts with B, and its not Beautiful". Hmmm, so if he was talking about me, would he have called me "…a slang word that starts with H, and its not Hungry"?

--Penske moves to Ford in 2013, leaving Dodge with just one team going forward. Well, it looks like Robby Gordon's plan for domination of FIAT just took another step forward!

--David Ragan will have Barrett-Jackson on the hood this weekend, providing that desired synergy between high-end auto auctions and energy-infused pudding.

--I don't want to say that Rick Hendrick isn't hopeful about Chad Knaus's appeal, but he was spotted talking to Harry Hogge yesterday.

--Brad Daughtery said that Brad Keselowski should have been fined by Nascar for having his smart phone with him at Daytona. So in Daughtery's mind, having a smart phone is terrible, but haulin' the mail in your car is OK?

No Points, No Problem!

A brief sampling of the drivers who currently have more drivers points than Jimmie Johnson.

Tony Stewart

Greg Biffle

Aric Amirola

David Stremme

Mike Wallace

Ed Berrier

Derrike "Mike Honcho" Cope

Lake Speed

Scott Speed

Speed Racer

Stroker Ace

Ace Fraley

That Jet Dryer Driver

Reggie Theus

Reggie Jackson

Jermaine Jackson

Me

My Mom

My Dad

and yes, even You (…unless you're Jimmie Johnson)

Rain Dominates Daytona 500, Emerges as Early Championship Threat

Proving that momentum CAN carry over an offseason, last year's Chase dominator, Drizzle Rain, cruised to an easy win at the 2012 Daytona 500.

"This was a date we had circled on our calendars all off-season long", a triumphant Rain explained in Victory Lane. "We knew that we'd let the 2011 Championship slip out of our hands, so we wanted to start strong. We did it, man, we did it!"

Despite hopes that several drivers could break Rain's stranglehold on the lead, few mounted anything resembling a competition in the late stages of the race. Shootout winner Kyle Busch said that, "…while we thought we could have a shot, Rain just wouldn't let up. Its probably the most unrelenting performance I've seen since they dominated Atlanta last year."

After emerging from the car, Rain thanked "…team owner Mother Nature, sponsors Aquafina, Dasani, Evian, Deer Park, Pabst Blue Ribbon, Arrowhead, and all the clouds back at the shop."

Surprising, despite Rain's complete and total domination of the race, it still got less TV time than Danica Patrick.

Daytona 500 "News" and Notes

--Racing's Back!!!

--In an ESPN interview, Kurt Busch mentioned that "no one knows what its like to drive one of those race cars at almost 200 mph)". Um, except about 200 other racers who do so without spazzing out on their radios.

--Tony Stewart mentioned that, on account of his Oreo sponsorship, he gets to "…eat Oreos all weekend". No word of if Tony dunks them in Schlitz.

--BK Racing is running Burger King logos on their cars despite not receiving any money from Burger King. Jeez, how come no one ever does that for ME?

--Seeing a Richard Petty-owned 43 car in the Nationwide Series is jarring, but still not as jarring as the list of drivers who drove the 43 CUP car after Petty retired.

--Can Trevor Bayne repeat at Daytona? Not if Derrike Cope has anything to say about it...


Driver besides Danica Patrick wins wild Budweiser Shootout

The Nascar Sprint Cup Series season got off to a wild start last night, as 25 drivers not including Danica Patrick put on a great show in the Shootout.

"It was amazing seeing the show they put on with Danica in the booth", said overall sports fan Byron Earl. "I tuned in to see a great race with Danica, and while she didn't actually COMPETE, Fox didn't let me down."

"We know what Nascar fans come to see", said Fox Sports executive Steve Wilcox. "They come to see great action, Michael Waltrip, and great action joked about by Michael Waltrip. But to bring MORE fans into the sport, we need to remind everyone constantly that a woman is running 10 races this year."

Last night's race, won by a driver of similar size and popularity to Danica, but not Danica, serves as a prelude to a season where the sport will be focused on the biggest Danica-centric storylines. Fox has already promised a "Danica-Watch" for all Sprint Cup races in which she IS entered, and a "Danica-Recap" for all races in which she is NOT entered.

"We found it difficult to recap Danica's 2012 progress in the Shootout, since she had yet to run a race", continued Wilcox. "Thankfully we had the ability to bring her on the air and promote her upcoming interview by Michael Waltrip's brother."

Sports fan Earl pointed out that, "…despite the fact that I've already seen about 20 excerpts of DW's interview with Danica, I still plan to tune in to the Daytona 500 pre-race. Maybe they can ask her some tougher questions, like if she's in it to win it, or if she thinks its a real learning process."

Budweiser Shootout "News" and Notes

--After a long, arduous off-season, we're finally back to racing! And, in about a week, we'll finally be back to meaningful racing that people actually care about!

--The qualifying order will be determined by something called a "Draw Party". I'd put my money on David Ragan getting the pole--he does a great caricature of Mike Helton as an 1890's dandy.

--Speaking of David Ragan, he'll be running the race with sponsorship from "Power Pak Pudding". Its about time--I can't tell you how many times I've been disappointed by the lack of power in pudding.

--Kurt Busch, meanwhile, will be making his debut for Phoenix Racing. If they want to stop him from cursing over the radio, just don't install a radio. Then he'll have to communicate by hand-signals. Um, might want to tape down his middle finger too.

--This race is our first chance to see if "pack racing" has returned to Daytona. Instead of the "two-car tango", this is more of a "twenty car mosh pit".

--Congrats to Kevin "Happy" Harvick, whose wife Delana is expecting a baby boy later this year. Soon, Kevin will have a new nickname: The Sleepless Speedster.


Mike's Winter Dumping Ground Movie Preview

Traditionally Hollywood has used the January-February period to "dump" its worst movies on an unsuspecting public. Needless to say, one way to fight through the cinematic muck is to base your movie on Nascar. Here's some examples coming soon to a theater near you:

The Grey: 12 Nascar Camping World Truck Series fans try to make it through a 200-mile race, containing 80 Just for Men Touch of Grey commercials.

One for the Money: Intrepid explorer Brian "Frenchy" France tries to find the rarest of finds--a race team that made money withOUT starting and parking.

We Need to Talk about Kevin: A crew of RCR garage workers have a sit-down with Richard Childress, explaining that since he sold KHI, Kevin Harvick has refused to stop hanging around the shop.

The Woman in Black: Johana Long tries to figure out why she gets about 1% the attention of Danica Patrick, despite having about the same amount of talent. With Bob Guccione as "GoDaddy Executive".

The Innkeepers: When Mike Mackler (played by Morgan Freeman) checks into the cheapest hotel he can find in the Charlotte area, the hotel staff desperately tries to figure out what his problem is.

Big Miracle: Can Dover actually sell out one of its races this year? (Spoiler Alert: No)

The Vow: Nascar pledges to increase ethnic diversity in 2012 by showing such drivers as Aric Amirola and…um…well….

Undefeated: Documentary on Michael McDowell's attempt to break J.D. McDuffie's record of most races without a win.

Perfect Sense: Filmed version of Clint Bowyer's one-man show, in which he counts the money he made by moving to MWR.


Wednesday, February 15, 2012

GREEN FLAG: 1. Start of the race

1a. See "WHITE FLAG" (Joe Nemechek only)

2. Time for former driver of #66 K-Mart car to yell inane catchphrase

3. Former national flag of Libya (Rare)


YELLOW FLAG: 1. Caution on race track

2. Robby Gordon on race track

3. That creepy Kevin Harvick SportsCenter commercial is playing again


RED FLAG: 1. Race stopped due to unsafe conditions

2. One of Mike Mackler's ex-girlfriends is nearby

3. Elderly garage worker ranting about commies again


BLUE FLAG WITH STRIPE: 1. Pull over to allow faster car to pass

2. Geoff, don't make us ban you from the Cup Series

3. Fine, don't make us ban you GEOFFERY…yeah, you happy now GEOFFERY?

4. HOORAAAAY BEER!!! (Colorblind drivers only)


BLACK FLAG: 1. Report to pits immediately

1a. Time for Andy Petree or Larry McReynolds to say "eventually if you don't report to the pits, they'll just stop scorin' you"

2. Insects flying around interior of car

3. Henry Rollins acting as Grand Marshall this week (Rare)


WHITE FLAG: 1. One lap to go

2. Warning--satellite team is surrendering sponsorship to much-larger "parent" team

3. This race brought to you by Clorox


CHECKERED FLAG: 1. Race is finished

2. Stare at this long enough and black, pulsating circles appear

3. Reference made to Richard Nixon's dog (Rare)

A World of Change

With a stagnant economy showing no signs of immediate recovery, Americans everywhere are being forced to leave their jobs, voluntarily or involuntarily. We recently polled a sample of citizens to find out why THEY were leaving their current employer:

Nick Susskind, IT Professional, Cicero Illinois: "I didn't want to leave I-Tech, but the pay was just getting lower and lower. Three years in a row of salary-cuts had me making less than I did 10 years ago when I started in this field. It got to the point where I had to leave--I'll be doing some freelance work now, but I'm still worried about not having health insurance."

Alex Mosley-Parker, Paralegal, Smyrna Delaware: "I love Smyrna, and imagined spending the rest of my life here. But when my husband got transferred out west, I mean, we had to go, you know? In this economy you can't just stay for the heck of it, and, well, his job had the higher salary and better benefits."

John Thomas, Retail Manager, Sarasota Florida: "Basically I got forced out. I'd worked at my place for so long, my salary was, I guess, a little too high for the new District Manager. I can understand his side of it--why pay some 50-year-old almost 50% more than a 25-year-old--but I offered to take a pay cut. Now they're making me re-apply as an Assistant?"

Kurt Busch, Race Car Driver, Las Vegas Nevada: "Over the Thanksgiving holiday I took time to reflect on what is most important to me and realized I need to find a way to put the fun back into racing. It's time for a fresh start. Leaving a great organization and a lucrative contract is not easy, but it allows me to take a deep breath and work on things that can make me a better driver and a better person."

Job Huntin' with Krazy Kurt

Well, its official: Brian Pattie is Clint Bowyer's crew chief in 2012. Buried beyond that earth-shattering headline is the news that Kurt Busch and Penske Racing have mutually parted ways. Reportedly, Penske will hire David Ragan to drive the 22 to a multitude of 21st-place finishes, but what about Kurt? What will HE be doing next year? Here's a look at his options:

Stewart-Hass: Just think about it--two skinny, petulant superstars sharing the #10 car. They could even share firesuits! Um, but hopefully they won't share bikinis.

Michael Waltrip Racing: Mikey always seems to find sponsorship when needed. Plus, if sponsorship for a fourth team CAN'T be found, he can get a job as Trippy, the MWR Mascot.

Roush Fenway: Just kidding.

IndyCar: Has-been racing series for a has-been driver?

Formula 1: It would be tough to find a ride for Kurt, but he'd fit right in with all the miserable millionaires who loathe the media.

Start and Park Team: Even though ESPN only does the 2nd-half of the Cup schedule, I'm sure that Dr. Jerry Punch would make sure he's there on pit road, smiling a huge smile, whenever Kurt pulled in after three laps with a "vibration".

Take a Year Off: This is the most-likely scenario, as it will give Kurt a chance to let this "blow over". Besides, it will mean that around October 2012 we'll get to see Kurt awkwardly serving as a guest commentator for ESPN, making pithy jokes about how making a pick against Brad Daughtery is a "tall order".

Brian France Convinced Lady Gaga's "You and I" is about Nascar

Nascar Chairman and professional recluse Brian France has been telling anybody who will listen that "You and I", the latest chart-topper by pop-star Lady Gaga, is completely about the sport he loves, owns, and occasionally ruins.

"I mean, just listen to the lyrics", France told us in an interview he was quick to agree to. "I was being driven down to the local Aldi's to buy some cream cheese, and I heard it on the radio. I asked for my personal driver to turn up the volume--it was like she was talking directly to ME!

"I mean, just listen to the lyrics--'Something, something about the Chase'. How could that be about anything BUT Nascar? And on top of that, its the aspect of the sport that I came up with! Maybe she's been spying on me (chuckles)".

When asked for further evidence that the song is, in fact, about stock car racing, France continued, "Well in the bridge of the song, she says 'So put your drinks up, for Daytona. For Daytona Daytona I love ya!' That's about Daytona Beach, the city I grew up in and occasionally visit! AND its the headquarters of Nascar and ISC! She must be a really big fan to know that!"

France added that he's already extended an invitation to Lady Gaga (through her official fan club, of which he is "…a member in good standing") to appear at next year's Daytona 500. France added that she would be more than welcome to perform the National Anthem, give the command to start engines, and possibly record a number of Nascar-themed songs for future advertising campaigns.

"She hasn't responded yet, but I just know its because she's busy clearing her February schedule to come down here", France said. "I can't wait to meet her, it'll be a dream come true!"


Thanksgiving in Review

Nascar's best and brightest (and Martin Truex) celebrated Thanksgiving yesterday--here's a quick recap of how some of them spent their Turkey Days:

Kurt Busch: Mother Busch brought out the turkey, but Kurt said that he "…was ready to eat 10 f***ing minutes ago." Gramma Busch then smacked Kurt over the head. Again.

Kyle Busch: Sat in his room while Kurt's drama was going on, trying to figure out if "Generic Colorful Candy Shell Chocolate" could sponsor him next year.

Matt Kenseth: Worried if he'd be able to afford Thanksgiving Dinner next year without a sponsor, then remembered that he's a millionaire and light a cigar with a Kevin LePage diecast car.

Brian Vickers: Elbowed his sister. Repeatedly. Then claimed that it WASN'T retribution for her dating that guy who used to call him "Cryin' Sickers" in high school. Kicked out of the house, but claims that he has "plenty of options" for next year's dinner.

Mark Martin: Rehearsing line for next year's Aaron's commercial: "Wait a minute, I thought that I was the next Aaron's spokesperson!"

Michael Waltrip: Carving turkey for his special guest, The Girl from the Aaron's Commercials. Unfortunately she couldn't eat any, what with her arms and legs tied to the chair.

Dale Earnhardt Jr.: "I dunno…had a good dinner…food was alright…its just…really wanna win the turkey bowl football game…had a good run…gonna try and win…"

Joe Nemechek: Suffering from food poisoning after only cooking the turkey for five minutes.

Tony Stewart: Taking a break from steady diet of Schlitz, switching to Wild Turkey.

Live from Pit Road…

Now we go to Mike Mackler interviewing a very disappointed runner-up, in the race AND the championship.

"Thanks, I'm here with Rain--great run today, great run this season, but came up just a bit short."

"Thanks Mike…what can I say? I gotta give all the credit to Tony Stewart and the 14 crew, they really showed why they're champions. Carl Edwards, great run, no shame finishing behind him. We just…we thought we had a shot with about 55 laps to go, but it kind of got away from us. But I gotta thank all my sponsors, Aquafina, Dasani, Evian, Mac Tools…and ownership, Mother Nature, we've been through some rough times, but she stood by me, couldn't be prouder."

"A humble but disappointed Rain, falling just a bit short."

The Pits Holiday Gift Guide

We here at The Pits realize that finding the right gift for the Nascar fan in your life can be quite difficult. I mean, he already has a Ricky Craven hat and a Buckshot Jones t-shirt, so what else is there to get them? That's where WE come in! Just look below to see what your Nascar-loving loved one likes, and get them the gift that will make their day/8-nights!


Dale Earnhardt Jr. Fan--Cricket Wireless Dale Jr. Cell Phone. Sure, you could get him any of the plastic tchotchkes for sale at Wal-Mart, but this gift will add a personal touch. Be sure to get the custom Dale Jr. ringtone ("I dunno…tryin' to win…good race, but…need to run better") and pre-loaded pictures from fellow Wrangler pitchman Brett Favre!


Bobby Labonte Fan--Time Machine. Wish to go back to when Bobby was one of Nascar's true elite? When Bobby was winning races consistently? Heck, just back to when Bobby had black hair? Use this handy-dandy time machine and you'll be wearin' green and screaming for the Labonte brothers in no time! Also, feel free to use it to steer Joey Logano into a career working the counter at Pep Boys.


Matt Kenseth Fan--The Big Book of Wisconsin Success Stories. Sure, Matt doesn't have a sponsor for next year. And sure, he seems to have pissed off Redbeard the Pirate. But that doesn't diminish this legend's greatest accomplishment--making it OUT of Wisconsin! You'll also get a chance to read about other successful Wisconsinites, like George Wallace-assassin Arthur Bremer, fear-mongerer Joseph McCarthy, and cartoonist Douglass Ladd!


Brian Vickers Fan--Flo the Progressive Girl. Try as we might, sometimes we get into minor fender-benders. Sometimes there's all over a 2-week period. Sometimes they all involve the same exact person. Help to combat these amazing coincidences with some first-rate insurance. Flo will help you bundle insurance for your 1998 Honda Civic with the 10-speaker sound system with insurance for your "Cougar Hunter" powerboat! WARNING--This is NOT a cardboard cutout of Flo--this is an actual living person. Please open immediately or suffocation may occur.


Martin Truex Jr. Fan--Greatest One-Hit Wonders Collection. You'll get to hear hits from such legendary flashes in the pan as Starland Vocal Band, ? and the Mysterions, David Gilliland, and Men Without Hats! Proof that sometimes when you succeed, its best to just stop there! (This might also come in handy 10 years down the road for Trevor Bayne fans).


Jimmie Johnson Fan--Jimmie's Plain Oatmeal. Tired of flavor? Tired of fun? Tired of anything somewhat exciting ruining your morning? Then try Jimmie Johnson's favorite breakfast treat, Jimmie's Plain Oatmeal! Nothing inside to surprise, offend, or excite you, guaranteed! Available in Gray or Slightly Darker Gray.


Kyle Busch Fan--K&B's. Duuuude! Are you totally bummed about those losers at M&M's trying to tell Busch-man what to do? Well, here's some newz to totally geek you up! Row-dee's taking Robby Gordon's advice and starting his OWN sponsoring company--K&B's! K&B's are the gnarly kick-ass candy that don't take nothin' from nobody! You can eat 'em, collect 'em, or throw 'em at elderly truck drivers! K&B's--its chocolate…2 THE X-TREEEEEEEEEME!

Homestead "News" and Notes

--Its finally come down to this: Tony Stewart vs. Carl Edwards for the title. If Carl wins, it'll probably mean more sponsorship and exposure for Roush Racing. If Tony wins, it'll probably mean a few arrests for public intoxication.

--The last race of the season is always bittersweet--no more races till February, nothing left to really talk about, but at least the n-n-n-n-Napa commercials stop.

--Ron Hornaday is signing with Joe Denette Motorsports for 2012. Getting a multiple-time champ like him is REALLY like winning the lottery.

--Denny Hamlin's pulling triple-duty "Denny Time" this weekend, running in all three races. He's going to have some pretty serious burns after almost 12 hours of racing with no shirt on.

--Can't confirm this, but it sounds like either Tuesday or Wednesday is when Speed Channel is going to put Kenny Wallace back into winter storage.

--Even though we're heading into the off-season, you'll still be getting some articles from me. I'll try and do a Silly-Season "News" and Notes each week, plus hopefully another article per week as time/news allows. Its up to you if this is good news, bad news, or Newport News.

Let's All Forget That He Portrayed An Iraqi Sympathizer

This Saturday, former WWF/E Pro Wrestler Sgt. Slaughter will be giving the command to fire engines at the Ford 300. Naturally (well, naturally if you're ME) that made me wonder--how would other pro wrestlers say the most famous words in motorsports?

Hulk Hogan: "Let me tell ya something brother--gentlemen, start your engines!"

Scott Hall: "Hey yo--gentlemen, start your engines!"

Ric Flair: "WOOOO! Gentlemen, start your engines!"

Tor Johnson (as portrayed by George "The Animal" Steele): "Time for start engines!"

Konnan: "Hold on let me speak on this--gentlemen, start your engines!"

Ultimate Warrior: "I heard…the voices. The voices, that would not be silenced. The voices, that while sated with the state of stock car racing, knew that something more was out there. Knew that they could have better. Knew that racing needed…A WARRRRRIORRRRR! And now, I stand here before the other great warriors of racing, this sport of legends, heroes, and kings…the voices have called me here…to proclaim a new beginning. A new finish. The beginning of the end of a once-great season. One that can be great again. And now, I can procl------(microphone cut off due to the race being 10 laps in).

Homestead, CousinCarlCo Announce Concrete Resurfacing Plans

Shortly after the completion of the Kobalt Tools 500, Homestead-Miami Speedway announced a partnership with CousinCarlCo to completely resurface the track in concrete in time for Sunday's race.

"We're happy to announce that, thanks to our association with Ford, we were able to get a VERY competitive bid", Homestead spokesman Lonny Blake said at a hastily-assembled press conference. "They made us an offer we couldn't refuse, as they say."

Blake explained that while the bulk of the work will be done by CousinCarlCo, subcontractors will be brought in as well. Companies such as 99Construction, AflacResurfacing, and EdwardsConcrete are all expected to participate in the project.

"We weren't really looking at redoing the track so soon", Blake continued, clad completely in Kellogg's merchandise. "But again, CousinCarlCo was very insistent on getting the job done by Sunday at 2pm EST."

CousinCarlCo Chairman, CEO, and Foreman Carl Edwards was unavailable for comment, as he was busy buying all the Quickrete in Florida. However, he guaranteed in a press release that the job would be done in time.

"I…er, I mean, WE here at CousinCarlCo will get the job done", the release explained. "In addition, if we come up short in concrete, KensethUnlimited has offered to fill in any holes with Vickersite."

Busch Clash "News" and Notes

--In protest of Nascar's decision to let Kyle Busch race this weekend, Joe Nemechek will only run one lap before parking.

--Lots of people are claiming that they won't buy M&Ms until they stop sponsoring Kyle Busch. Really--even if, lets say, 50% of Nascar fans boycotted M&Ms, what is that, .000001% of their business?

--Hey, Coach Gibbs--here's how you keep Rowdy in line: "Hey, if I fire you, there's only one Toyota team you could go to. And do you REALLY want to be doing Aaron's commercials?"

--At least we're going to Phoenix now--nothing controversial EVER happens to the Busch brothers there.

--Despite losing a whole race's worth of points, Kyle Busch will still be in Las Vegas for Awards Banquet Weekend…sitting in his parents basement watching "Harry and the Hendersons".

--For the record, I focused on the Busches this week because not much else is going on in the Nascar world. Oh, except the tightest points battle in years and a former driver getting arrested for possession.

Carl Edwards vs. Tony Stewart--Tale O' The Tape

With two races to go, it looks like its coming down to two of the sport's best for the Sprint Cup Championship. Here's a comparison of the two before they go to Phoenix…and watch the championship be decided by a late-race caution caused by Robby Gordon…


Carl Edwards is known by the nicknames "Concrete Carl" and "Cousin Carl".

Tony Stewart is known by the nicknames "Smoke", "Smokey Jones", and "Smokey Johnson" (which sounds like what you get after a night with a hooker…don't ask how I know this.)


Carl Edwards is well-known for his physique, which resembles that of an NFL quarterback.

Tony Stewart is well-known for his physique, which resembles that of an NFL assistant coach.


Carl Edwards drives the #99, previously made famous by Jeff "The Mayor" Burton.

Tony Stewart drives the #14, previously made famous by Mike "Good Morning Miss" Bliss.


Carl Edwards is known for his trademark backflip, which was "borrowed" from Tyler Walker.

Tony Stewart is known for his trademark climbing of the catch-fence, "borrowed" from Helio Castroneves (who seemed to make the celebration "more funner").


Carl Edwards appeared on "24" with Kiefer Sutherland.

Tony Stewart appeared in a Burger King commercial with Carrot Top. Seriously.


Carl Edwards isn't Jimmie Johnson, which makes most fans happy.

Tony Stewart isn't Jimmie Johnson, which makes most fans happy.

Kyle Beuller's Day Off

Nascar was nice enough to let Kyle Busch attend today's race, even though he couldn't drive. So how did Kyle spend his afternoon? Let's see:

(All times EST, because the world revolves around the East Coast)

3:05pm--Walks from motorcoach to pit lane escorted by six security guards dressed as M&M characters

3:12pm--Agrees to interview with Marty Smith

3:13pm--Reneges after Smith says he'll start interview with, "So how does this affect Junior?"

3:16pm--Tries to hide tears at the start as 42 of the best drivers in the world and Josh Wise take the green flag

3:20pm--Begins pouting

3:55pm--Bugs crew chief for a piece of gum

4:01pm--Goes to media center

4:07pm--Annoys John Roberts with his terrible Dave Despain impression

4:08pm--Asked to leave media center

4:29pm--Goes to port-a-potty

4:30pm--Cries in port-a-potty

4:55pm--Goes back up to pit box, annoyed that no one asks him where he's been

5:03pm--Tries to juggle lug nuts

5:09pm--Nearly blinds self with lug nut to the eye

5:34pm--Uses pit laptop to look up pictures of his wife

5:35pm--Laptop confiscated by JD Gibbs

5:44pm--Paces around pit lane

6:01pm--Leaves early to beat traffic

6:02pm--Informed he can't drive his motorcoach across backstretch to leave until the race is over

6:08pm--Drums on motorcoach steering wheel, humming "Tik Tok" by Ke$ha

6:34pm--Finally leaves

6:35pm--Realizes that an entire race happened without him, and does one of those exaggerated uh-oh GULPs.

Texas "News" and Notes

--Well, its nice to know that Nascar hasn't forgotten its outlaw, illegal contraband history.

--Wait a minute--Dave Blaney and Geoff(ery) Bodine are switching rides for the rest of the season? Wow…better go change my Chase picks.

--The first-ever race at Texas was a disaster, with 14 drivers Vickersing out of the race.

--I heard a radio ad for AM/FM Energy with Joe Nemechek. He mentioned how he knows that Americans are working harder for their money these days. This from a guy who most people see working about 10 minutes a week.

--To ensure that Carl Edwards really doesn't sleep this week, Tony Stewart sent him a picture of some huge, naked breasts. Then he told him they were Ryan Newman's.

Ryan Newman to pilot LeBron-Hater car in 2012

Tony Stewart, the un-indicted co-owner of Stewart-Haas Racing, is pleased to announce that teammate Ryan Newman will be driving a LeBron-Hater-sponsored Chevrolet Impala for 9 races in 2012.

"We couldn't be happier to have Dan Gilbert, owner of both Quicken Loans and the Cleveland Cavaliers, come on board with us as a sponsor for 2012", Stewart explained at today's press conference. "Dan's assured us that he will spare no expense towards spreading his message of pure, unadulterated hatred towards LeBron James through Nascar."

Gilbert currently sponsors the LPGA's Greater LeBron-Hater Open and the LeBron-Hater Building in downtown Cleveland. He said that he first became interested in Stewart-Haas after seeing the word "Cookies" on a recent Newman paint scheme in Comic Sans letter-style.

"This is a bold new day for LeBron-Haters everywhere", Gilbert said. "We're looking to acquire number 23 for the team, just so we can put a big 'NO' slash-out graphic over it."

While the sponsorship doesn't officially begin until 2012, Newman will be running a special paint scheme next week in Texas promoting the "Visit Cleveland, Not Miami" tourism campaign.

"Its always a good day whenever you can announce a new sponsorship", said Newman, shortly after the press conference concluded. "Dan told me that he originally wanted to sponsor an unlikable team that had never won a championship, but MWR turned him down."

Formula Done

I was lucky enough to be treated to a New York Giants game IN PERSON today (Thanks Dad!). As a result, I missed the spinout-fest in Martinsville. However, I did manage to see the Formula 1 Grand Prix of India. Here's some thoughts I came away with:

--Sebastian Vettel scored a "Grand Slam" by winning the pole, winning the race, setting the fastest lap, and leading every lap. The only way that a Grand Slam could be anymore boring would be if Denny's served grits with grits and a side of grits (with a dessert of grits).

--David Hobbs. Seriously, man. Take a Zantac. You make Bill Simmons sound healthy. Here, take one, I'll give it to you!

--All the buzz was about the upcoming Grand Prix of America, to be held in New Jersey across from New York City. Here, let me save you the trouble, traditional media: "These guys think they're great racers, but lets see them go up against some New York City cabbies!"

--Also, The State of New Jersey has a two year head start to figure out a way to fit Jabba the Gov into a single-seater.

--The most exciting thing in practice? "Race fans, this is Chief Steward Skinner. Remain calm there is a dog on the track."

--Um, Mr. Bean was at the race? OK, that's pretty damn awesome.

--Oh, and (as always)…Varsha Varsha Varsha!


Martinsville "News" and Notes

--Its Halloween weekend, so expect to see a few costumes at the track. In fact, I'm hearing that David Stremme plans to go all-out and disguise himself as a competent driver!

--What's worse--that Chad Knaus told Jimmie Johnson to wreck his car after the race if they won, or that he was stupid enough to do it while they were be recorded and filmed?

--Andy Lally had his entry withdrawn so the team can focus on getting the 71-car back in the top-35. Robby Gordon withdrew HIS entry because "…those leaves aren't gonna rake themselves".

--In retrospect, shouldn't Jeff Gordon, sponsored by the Drive to End Hunger, bump-drafted with Dave Blaney's Golden Corral car?

--Interstate Batteries moves to the #20 car this weekend in an attempt to capture the awkward teenager whose voice hasn't changed market.

--Nice to see Richard Childress get his 100th win last week--after running such racing luminaries as Mike Skinner, Jeff Green, and Casey Mears, its a shock he didn't get there sooner.

Destroy! Destroy!

Chad Knaus instructed Jimmie Johnson over radio to intentionally wreck the #48 car if they won, since it might not pass post-race inspection. Believe it or not, this isn't the first time that something was intentionally ruined in Nascar:

1953--Tim Flock destroys any memories of a stellar driving career, so he can instead be remembered as "That Guy With the Monkey".

1963--Worried that a budding acting career could steal time away from racing, Richard Petty intentionally acts stilted and bored in "43: The Richard Petty Story".

1971--A kick-ass, high-banked short track is built in the middle of the woods, but, as the area is better known for boring relaxing, Pocono Raceway is torn down and rebuilt.

1984--After winning his 200th race, Richard Petty quietly sends his 745-cubic inch engine to the junkyard.

1990--The rarely-seen softer side of Dale Earnhardt is shown, when he intentionally runs over a piece of debris to let the only man with a better mustache win the Daytona 500.

1993--Rusty Wallace intentionally flips his cars at Daytona and Talladega to show the importance of NOT wrecking to his young son Steven (apparently this didn't work).

2001--A young Chad Knaus destroys his first year as a crew chief by working with Stacy Compton

2011--Mike Mackler further destroys his reputation by doing a blatant rip-off of The Onion in this article.

The Luckiest Unluckiest Driver in 'Dega

Regan Smith hit the wall VERY hard…and wasn't seriously hurt. Then, his hauler caught on fire…and wasn't seriously damaged. What other grey clouds will drift his way, only to have some silver linings, today?

6:16pm--The hauler, running way behind schedule, gets stuck in miles of traffic…but the crew finds a 30-pack of Budweiser that's only slightly smoke-damaged.

6:48pm--Still stuck in traffic…but the rear tire changer makes a hilarious "wake-up call" to Jimmie Johnson.

7:20pm--Finally moving down the highway, they mistakenly knock an AMC Gremlin off the side of the road…but the driver's a huge Simpsons fan, so he doesn't sue.

7:41pm--Stop for dinner at McDonald's and they're OUT of McNuggets…but the manager gives them extra Monopoly game pieces instead.

7:59pm--Radio station plays the 10th Adele song in 30 minutes…but that new Red Hot Chili Peppers song with the great bass line is coming up next.

8:34pm--Cop pulls the hauler over…but he's willing to re-enact the famous scene in Days of Thunder.

9:00pm--Jimmie Johnson prank calls them back, looking for a "Mike Hunt"… but they get him back by asking for a "S.I. Coverjinx".

9:19pm--Realize all the BS they went through today…but remember that they're safe, alive, and have a weirdo from Delaware writing about them.

Talladega "News" and Notes

--Its tough to joke around after the tragedy on Sunday, but we'll try the best we can.

--Of the many rule changes in effect this weekend, the most noticeable could be the disallowing of greasing the bumpers. I guess Grease ISN'T the word anymore.

--TRG has started fielding two cars, which is a little like the Baltimore Orioles playing a doubleheader--twice the effort, twice the cost, twice the disappointing finishes.

--Dale Jr. is running a fan-designed paint scheme on Sunday. Reportedly Dale Jr. himself entered the contest, lost, then remarked, "Man…its frustratin', tryin' to win…really want a win here, but we'll take it….hows my fantasy team doin?"

--Relative unknowns like Ron Bouchard and Phil Parsons have posted wins at Talladega…could this be the breakthrough day for Andy Lally? Yeah, probably not.

--In the time it took to read this article, RCR has announced three more paint schemes for Clint Bowyer.

Marcos Ambrose Admits He Has No Idea What a "Bostitch" Is

Shortly after bringing his RPM Ford Fusion home to a solid 5th-place finish, driver Marcos Ambrose readily admitted he had no idea who, or what, a "Bostitch" is.

"They're on the hood of my CAAAHHH this week, but I don't know what the heck they are." Ambrose explained in a post-race interview on pit road. "I mean, usually we have Stanley or DeWalt on the CAAAHHH, and I know what they do, but this week? No idea, mate.

"I mean, are they a part of Stanley?" Ambrose asked to no one in particular. "Maybe they're a new line of drills or something. Or maybe its honoring one of the employees for DeWalt? I really have no clue--I gotta ask the boys down in Baltimore about this."

After a brief period of reflection, Ambrose continued.

"They COULD be a one-race sponsor, though, totally unconnected to Stanley/DeWalt. Like how 'Dinger had Nautica on his CAAAHHH a few races back. But what would they sell? Shouldn't the paint scheme reflect that somehow?"

A befuddled Ambrose then sat on the pit wall, appearing to wonder and think to himself for several hours, before he was asked to leave by track personnel.

Charlotte "News" and Notes

--So its time for a race at a place that used to be called Charlotte, then was called Lowes, and now is called Charlotte again, even though its in Concord North Carolina.

--Clint Bowyer is running a USO "Send Cheer" paint scheme this weekend, putting him in third behind Bobby Labonte and teammate Kevin Harvick for Most Paint Schemes in 2011.

--"This season, winning means more than ever, and Tony Stewart will do anything to win. He'll eat 14 Double Whoppers. He'll eat 15 Double Whoppers. He'll eat 16 Double Whoppers. He'll eat 17 Double Whoppers, if it helped him win."

--Sure, Jimmie Johnson is on the cover of Sports Illustrated, but only a small part of him. The bulk of the cover is taken up by his helmet. Does that mean that his HELMET is actually subjected to the SI Cover Jinx?

--David Gilliland is running a car sponsored by Philadelphia baking institution Tastykake. There's a bumper sticker you can buy up here that says "I BRAKE FOR TASTYKAKES". Teammate JJ Yeley plans to brake anyways for vibrationkakes.

--Here's to Chevrolet's 100th anniversary! I'm sure they'll be around for another…um, 7 years or so?

Maximum Mini!

Tens of fans have become enthralled with the adventures of "Mini-Chad"--a scaled-down cardboard cutout featuring championship crew chief/Zach Braff lookalike Chad Knaus. Other people around Nascar have jumped on the bandwagon--here's some marketing ideas you might see rolled out in the next few weeks:


--Mini-Jimmie Johnson: Much like the other mini's being profiled here, it's flat, dead-eyed and boring. Just like the real JJ!


--Mini Junior: Comes with patented Chia-technology, allowing you to grow a gnarly red beard at your pleasure.


--Mini Jason Leffler: Coming in at a 1:4th scale, its nearly invisible without the use of a microscope.


--Mini Joe Nemechek: You only get 1/400th of the cutout, before your printer stops on account of a "vibration".


--Mini Michael Waltrip Racing: Start your own race team, get caught cheating, go heavily into debt, sell half your team to Robert Kaufmann. Mini Hair Gel sold separately.


--Mini Jimmy Spencer: Just as gimmicky and annoying as the real thing. Plus, take him to a McDonalds and get two free wins from Nascar!


--Mini Mike Mackler: Say something snarky, then get de-friended on Facebook for it 2 years later. Just as depressing and pointless as the real thing! …And ladies, feel free to become Mini Mike Mackler's Girlfriend (small licensing fee may apply).

My Weekend with Stevie

I missed most of the Nascar action this weekend, as I was at the fantastic wedding of my friends Jeff and Emily. Now, this may come as a shock to absolutely no one, but I'm pretty negative in social situations. That's why I was able to procure the talents of Dale Earnhardt Jr.'s ultra-positive crew chief, Steve "Stevie" LeTarte. Here's some of the words of wisdom I had chirping in my ear.

Upon getting lost while attempting to stop for lunch in New Jersey…

"Don't worry, not a big deal, just let the GPS recalculate, we're gonna get 'em once we're back on the Turnpike."

Upon trying to check into the hotel, then finding out that my room wasn't ready…

"Don't worry, just put the luggage behind the lobby desk, we're gonna see if we can find you a room, non-smoking, just keep it steady."

Upon narrowly missing out on the garter belt toss…

"Don't worry, got a good crew here, good points day, we're staying in contention."

Upon buying drinks for two girls who I soon found out were married…

"Don't worry, just get a strong showing there, keep battlin', we want a strong points day here."

Upon getting stuck in traffic on the New Jersey Turnpike on the way home…

"Don't worry, just hold your line, heavy traffic, spotter's gonna guide ya here, try to conserve some fuel."

Upon coming home, turning on the TV, and getting a blank black screen on ESPN…

"Man, this sucks."

Kansas "News" and Notes

--How long? *FIDDLE* How long? *FIDDLE* How long till the point of no returnnnnn…well, ask Denny Hamlin.

--Reed Sorenson lost his job despite being third in points. I haven't seen such a rash decision by an owner since Tom Deland fired Cole Trickle for wrecking his teammate.

--Years from now, we'll all look back on 2011 as the year that Nascar had the ugliest pace car imaginable.

--This race was ORIGINALLY called the Hulk Casino 400, but then they went heel.

--A hot rumor has Roush-Fenway cutting back to three teams next year. If they do, maybe we'll get a reunion of Jack's most-recent three-car stable--Mark Martin, Jeff Burton, and Ted Musgrave.

Kurt Busch Issues Profanity-Laced Tirade Over Radio After Win

Shortly after crossing the finish line in first, Kurt Busch launched into a patented tirade over the radio, directed at this crew.

"Its about (BLANK)ing time, you sons of (BLANK)s. We finally got this piece of (BLANK) into victory lane. (BLANK) yeah!"

Busch continued his tirade during his burnout, saying, "Look at all that (BLANK)ing smoke, its like a monkey successfully (BLANK)ing a football out there. We're gonna light some (BLANK) up, man."

A thoroughly confused Steve Addington, Busch's crew chief/therapist, attempted to calm Busch down, but couldn't tell if his driver was happy or angry. Upon asking Busch how he felt, Busch yelled "I'm pulling into victory (BLANK)ing circle, how do you think I (BLANK)ing feel?!?"

After jumping out of his Pennzoil/Shell Dodge, Busch repeatedly slammed his fist against the roof, then threw a bottle of Pennzoil Ultra at his crew members. While maintaining a huge smile, he then proceeded to attempt to strangle ESPN Pit Reporter Dr. Jerry Punch.

"C'mere, Doc!", Busch yelled, "Ask your (BLANK)ing question, I'm right here, (BLANK)! C'mon, let's go!"

Busch was then presented with the Miles the Monster trophy, which he attempted to tear in half. After breaking both hands, he was admitted to Kent County Memorial Hospital.

Mike's Movie Preview

Its autumn, which means its time for Hollywood to roll out its award-show fodder films. Its also time for me to roll out one of my most-tired gags--Nascar's in the Movies!!!

Real Steel--A 4-hour-long documentary featuring my Dad talking about the diecast collectable industry. Not included--34 hours of additional footage of my Dad talking about the diecast collectable industry.

Dirty Girl--GoDaddy executives try to reconcile promoting their driver as a sex-symbol AND a role model for young girls. Never before has Mark Martin been so divisive.

The Thing--A proctologist's obsession with finding the golden horseshoe up Jimmie Johnson's ass.

Footloose--In the spirit of Grindhouse, this film will be a forced double-feature with Foottight.

The Big Year--Can Robby Gordon switch to Dodge, start an energy drink company, and still run a successful race team? No.

The Three Musketeers--Jeff Gordon, Jimmie Johnson, and newcomer Kasey Kahne set out to take over the Nascar world!

Trespass--Dale Earnhardt Jr. tries to get on the set of The Three Musketeers.

In Time--Old-school Nascar fans try to convince people who started watching in 2006 that, eventually, SOMEONE else will win a championship.

The Rum Diary--The Al Unser Jr. Story!

Sleeping Beauty--In the spirit of Any Warhol, this art-film is simply an 8-hour shot of Derrike Cope in bed.

Tower Heist--A group of Nascar & music enthusiasts sneak into an abandoned Tower Records warehouse searching for Kyle Petty's recording of "Oh King Richard".

Immortals--Scientists try to figure out how and why Harry Gant doesn't age.

The Descendants--Unable to get a ride, a down-on-his-luck racer reinvents himself as "The Lost Dillon Brother."

A Dangerous Method--Denny Hamlin decides that the only way to a championship is to pick-off every other Chase contender, "Homer at the Bat" style. Special cameo by Paul Menard's sideburns as Jimmie Johnson's sideburns.

Dover "News" and Notes

--Ah, Dover Downs, my home track. Nothing like sitting in 4 hours of traffic on Route 13 to put you in the mood for racing.

--Carl Edwards' dominance on concrete tracks earned him the nickname "Concrete Carl". Brad Keselowski's recent success on concrete's earning HIM the nickname "Koncrete Keselowski". Ray Evernham's started running a dirt car again--could we call him "Old Dirty Bastard"?

--Bobby Labonte's running the Grilling.com paint scheme this weekend. Wow! Finally a place to go online to learn about how many times to turn the steaks!

--When they introduced the law that forces North Carolina businesses to publicly announce possible layoffs, did they realize that it would chiefly benefit followers of Jayski?

--As a Delaware resident, I was eligible for the chance to have J.J. Yeley act as my designated driver on Saturday Night. I didn't enter because I figured he'd start & park my Honda and leave me stranded on I-95.

--Fox is bringing Michael Waltrip into the "Hollywood Hotel" in 2012, to give fans the experience of beating their heads against the wall for an hour.

Miss Coors Light…Coming Soon to a Liquor Store Near Me!

That's right, Miss Coors Light--aka The Poor Man's Miss Sprint Cup--will be appearing this Friday at a store about 10 minutes from my place. I'm thinking of going, but what should I ask her? Here's a few ideas I've had:

--Wanna "Tap the Rockies"?

--In what landfill did you dump all the David Stremme merchandise?

--Is there a Miss Original Coors who's heavier but much more fun?

--In what landfill did you dump all the Dario Franchitti merchandise?

--If Danica Patrick gets the pole next year, will somebody be Mr. Coors Light?

--In what landfill did you dump all the Sterling Marlin merchandise?

--Do YOU come with the car?

--In what landfill did you dump all the Kyle Petty merchandise?

--OK, I understand, but does the restraining order have to be 100 feet?

Tony Stewart's Gas Man Fielding Million-Dollar Offers

A possible snag has appeared in Tony Stewart's Chase for the Cup of Chicken Fries--14-team Gas Man Jeff Patterson was immediately approached after this Sunday's race with several lucrative offers.

"Its obvious that fuel mileage will determine not only races, but the whole championship", said team owner Richard Childress. "That's why we felt that we HAD to offer Mr. Patterson $1,000,000 to jump ship, plus all the Jimmy John's subs he can eat."

Very little is known about Patterson, other than the fact that he seems to have mastered the new fueling system. A perfunctory search reveals that he cut his teeth with noted Tom Cruise-lookalike Greg Sacks.

"Look, nobody likes fuel mileage races, but you race the race you're given", remarked team owner Joe Gibbs. "We've made Jeff a very lucrative offer--$750,000 per year, an unlimited supply of M&M's, and we can guarantee that he won't have to come anywhere near that weird kid in the 20 car."

Patterson was unavailable for comment, as it was still being determined if he actually WAS the gasman of the team, or if it was Rick Pigeon.

In a related story, JJ Yeley is offering his services for a "decent ham & egg breakfast".

Magic Mile Magic "News" and Magic Notes

--Ryan Newman's on the pole for this Sunday's race--could the old Ryan Newman be back? Hmmm, winning lots of poles, threat to win…oh, wait, his teammate NOW is actually winning.

--If Carl Edwards' "Do I stay? Do I go" was Nascar's version of LeBron James' The Decision, then Clint Bowyer is Nascar's Chris Bosh.

--I'm going out for drinks tonight with a friend of mine who said, and I quote: "Nobody likes Nascar! Except millions of people!"

--Ray Evernham's going to Speed. What about his son, Ray J? I mean, you can him Ray, or you can call him J, or you can call him Ray J…

--Note to anybody who considers forming an alliance with JTG/Daughtery Racing--you WILL have to listen to yells of "JUNEBUG!".

The Magic Hour

With the Nascar Chase for the Rain heading into New Hampshire this weekend, one question is on everybody's mind--how the heck did New Hampshire Motor Speedway get the nickname "The Magic Mile"? Here's some theories from the lab:

--Only the "black arts" can explain how a track SO boring got two Cup races per year.

--It has a lot in common with the Orlando Magic…in that people ask "Why the hell is there a track in New Hampshire?" the same way they ask "Why the hell is there a basketball team in Orlando?"

--That extra lap/mile they tack on to the Lenox 301? Pure magic, fellas.

--The property is owned by one of the trolls that live under Dover's Monster Bridge.

--The track's first marketing director had "Magic Man" by Heart stuck in his head (and, now, so you do).

--Originally, they wanted a more apropos nickname like "The Tricky Triangle", but "The Outrageous Oval" never made it out of the meeting room.

--David Copperfield drove by it one time back in 1995 or something.

--As the IndyCar race proved, drivers like Will Power can make two birds magically appear!


Stewart's Win Under Review After Engine Found to Help Car Over Finish Line

Controversy surrounds the recent win by Tony "Smoke" Stewart, whose finish is under review after an "engine" was found under his hood. Nascar officials state that they are "65-70% sure" that the engine helped the #14 car finish the race.

"Nascar remains ever vigilant in making sure that its drivers and teams follow the rules to the letter", Nascar Associate Director of Competition Blake Stevens said shortly after the race. "It clearly states that a car must cross the finish line under its own power--not being propelled forward by a so-called 'engine'".

Stewart is one of a number of drivers penalized following the controversial finish, joining Matt Kenseth, who was pushed on the last lap (otherwise known as "Amish Drafting") and Kevin Harvick, who was found to have illegal levels of drive, determination, and fortitude in his recent urine sample.

"We've remitted these issues to the proper departments back in Daytona Beach", Stevens continued. "There's many people involved, but its the same good folks who decided against making this race a Saturday Night race, came up with the aero-wing, and are working to bring that delightful Danica Patrick to the Nationwide Series next year."

When asked if the #88 car was found to have such violations, Stevens stammered something about bonus points, then ran away.

Chicagoland "News" and Notes

--So its the first race of the Chase…its at a track that HAS lights…and they decide to have it on a Sunday afternoon during football season?!? Zuh?

--It sounds like Clint Bowyer's going to MWR next year--unless that guy from the commercials convinces him otherwise.

--I'm watching Nationwide practice as I type this--Angela Cope literally spun out on her FIRST LAP. All looks, no talent--just like her Uncle.

--I'm watching Nationwide practice as I type this--THESE ARE THE PARTY DAYZ!

--I think we all know who needs to test the new fuel-injected cars: The guy from the Toyota Tundra commercials who goes, "Yeah ah overloaded it, but its ah test truck, right?"

--They're talking about putting a Truck race at Gresham Motorsports Park. I heard that they were thinking of putting a race at Caraway Speedway, but its gone to seed.

--A cornier joke than ever? That's a NEW…MACK…RECORD!!!

Nascar Outlines New Bonus Points for Ju--er, Chase

Rulebook, Section 8.8j(r): "Bonus" points may be earned by Dal--er, certain dr--er, any driver for the Chase by fulfilling the following:

--Highest numbered car up to 89

--Most facial hair ever grown

--Most commercials appeared in saying "see-REEES"

--Played by Chad McCumbee in ESPN film

--Teammate to Mark Martin, Jeff Gordon, AND Jimmie Johnson

--Son of a 7-time champion (NOTE: Points negated by presence of ponytail)

--Least amount of wins (NOTE: Points negated by presence of man-boobs)

Daytona Beach hit by gale-force "WHEW"'s after Richmond Race

The National Weather Service has confirmed the presence of nearly 88mph "WHEW"'s in the general vicinity of Nascar headquarters, starting shortly after the finish to Saturday Night's race.

"We first noticed them shortly after ESPN posted the entrants into the Chase for the Cup", said Chief Meteorologist Byron McCall. "We noticed the heaviest "WHEW"'s shortly after Dale Earnhardt Jr.'s name first appeared on the screen."

Experts state that the "WHEW"'s were likely caused by a high-pressure sales number to hit for t-shirt sales, combined with the fast-approaching Hurricane NFL. Furthermore, the "WHEW"s were said to be accompanied by localized "THANK GOD's" and "GET CONFIDENT, JUNIOR"s.

"We've already advised residents to prepare for the tornado-like yelling that can happen with a Dale Earnhardt Jr. win", McCall continued. "It may seem unlikely, but hey--they did have an earthquake on the East Coast a few weeks back."

In a related story, the city of Indianapolis remains under a Flash-Flood-of-Tears warning near Randy Bernard's house.

Richmond "News" and Notes

--The surprising thing isn't that Jeff Gordon's made it to 85 wins…its that a guy who was once nicknamed "Wonderboy" did it sponsored by the AARP.

--In a related story, Bobby Allison's been calling people at random to complain about how he should be credited with an additional win.

--Last week's IndyCar weekend in Baltimore (my old stomping grounds) was a good reminder of how incredibly cool the idea of street racing is, and how incredibly boring the execution of street racing is.

--Am I the only one having nightmares about that talking car in the Featherlite commercials?

--Steven Leicht moves into the #36 car this weekend. Wait a minute…THE Steven Leicht? This changes everything!

--Bad news, guys: You can't get Lake Bell by combining Lake Speed and T.J. Bell.

The Fans Against Gordon: Where Are They Now?

Jeff Gordon's 85th win prompted the question: Hey, remember that group Fans Against Gordon? What ever happened to those guys? Well, actually that's two questions, but we've found out what's happened to (most of) their chief officers...

Earl Baxter, President: Went on to found Fans Against Stewart, Fans Against Jimmie Johnson, and Fans Against Rowdy. Time constraints forced him to cut back and run the less hate-intensive Fans Against Sorenson.

Lonny Blake, Vice-President: Was immediately expelled from the group upon throwing a FULL can of beer on the track at Talladega. Current whereabouts unknown.

Steve Collins, Secretary: Realized sometime in 2009 what the abbreviation for "Fans Against Gordon" was, began beating head against wall. Currently in brain trauma ward.

Andre "Dre" Dixon, Treasurer: Currently unemployed, said to be working on screenplay for "Days of Thunder 2: Wheeler Rising".

Chrissy Randle, Director of Communications: Under house arrest for stalking Hut Stricklin.

Ryan Drew, Director of Recruitment: Still claims membership, convinced that the Drive to End Hunger is a ploy by the elderly to brainwash America's youth into liking Cole Porter.

Mark Martin, Senior Member: Uh, ok, THIS is kinda awkward...

The Other Racin' Chef

Hey everybody, The Other Racin' Chef here to show you how to throw a patented Mike Mackler Racin' Party on a Saturday Night.

First, make sure that no one else is invited over--its a party for one. Then, you gotta dress to unimpress--boxers and a t-shirt are my recommendation, but feel free to add in some jorts or sweatsocks.

Now as far as the meal goes, you're gonna wanna grab some sour cream, but make sure its NOT reduced-fat. Then getcherself a packet of onion soup mix--here's the secret--use HALF as much sour cream as it says to. Stir it up on a plate, 'cause we both know that you don't want to wash out that bowl. Pair it with some potato chips and you're ready to go.

The drink portion of the meal is open to interpretation. I'd go with some flavored Mountain Dew to start, followed by a Yuengling Lager or Natty Boh. Remember--if its somewhat natural, don't drink it.

The next day you'll probably experience some terrible gas, a pounding headache, and a sense that you're wasting your life. That's a Mike Mackler party in a nutshell!

Atlanta "News" and Notes

--J.R. Fitzpatrick, y'know, he decided to take off, eh?

--Dale Earnhardt Jr. signed his extension this week despite having gone over 100 races without a win. Uh, message for Kyle Petty: Maybe Danica isn't the "marketing machine" who's taking rides from other drivers.

--Sure, Brad Keselowski is tearing it up lately, but what happens when his ankle heals? Does anyone else imagine him begging Paul Wolfe to smash his shins with a baseball bat?

--If Clint Bowyer goes to RPM, they'll have a down-home country boy, a down under Tasmanian boy, and a boy with an awesome haircut.

--…but if Robby Gordon's forced to Start-and-Park, who will spin out by himself and force a caution with 10 laps to go?

--Remember race fans: We're just two races away from the most exciting part of the Nascar season………FOOTBALL!!!

Chad Johnston wins Moog Chassis Parts Problem Solver of the Race Award

After a hard-fought race under the lights of Bristol Motor Speedway, Chad Johnston came away with the greatest prize of all: The Moog Chassis Parts Problem Solver of the Race Award.

"This is what I've dreamt about since I was a little boy", an emotional Johnston said in Moog Chassis Parts Award-Winner Lane. "I mean, all those long nights, long hours, years of waiting for my chance--I finally did it!"

Johnston's win resulted in plaudits immediately flooding in from all corners of the racing world.

"This cat knew what it took to solve problems", said Johnston's car's team's owner Michael Waltrip. "I knew when I hired this cat, he'd see what the problem was and solve it like the Moog Chassis Parts Problem Solving Cat of the Race Award-winning cat he was destined to be, cat cat cat."

Johnston, who says be plans to buy a mantle tomorrow upon which to place his trophy, said that the thought of retiring on top "…crossed his mind", but he will continue on in order to defend the honor.

"They say that the only thing harder than winning the Moog Chassis Parts Problem Solver of the Race Award is winning the Moog Chassis Parts Problem Solver of the Race Award twice. You'd better look out next week, Nascar problem solvers, because I'll be back at Atlanta, ready to solve!"

Bristol "News" and Notes

--After all those months of waiting, we finally have our answer. Its official--Scott Speed is running the #46 car for the rest of the year.

--A minor earthquake hit the east coast on Wednesday. Joe Nemechek tried to warm people, but they're just so used to hearing him talk about vibrations.

--Denny Hamlin received a text of encouragement from none other than Michael Jordan. MJ must have $500,000 on Denny making the Chase.

--Jimmie Johnson threw out the first pitch at a Cubs game this week. No word on if he got any advice from Chet Steadman or Phil Brickma.

--Condolences to Patrick Carpentier whose retirement race was ended prematurely by the nephew of that guy who did a bunch of Stacker 2 commercials.

Mike Skinner Shows Progress with 42nd-place Finish

Nascar Driver Mike Skinner, best known up till this point for winning a meaningless race in Japan about 12 years ago, finally appeared to gain some career momentum with a 2nd-to-last place finish at Michigan on Sunday.

"Our team really needed this", said Skinner, known as "Angie's Bus-driver" to 2 or 3 fans. "After all those vibrations and ignition problems, it was great to come out of here with just a transmission issue…or rear gear, or whatever the hell it was."

Skinner went on to say that he envisions a day when the 60 car finishes in the top-40 on a regular basis, with an occasional top-35 run "…when the handling isn't acting up."

"We're showing everybody what a team with no money, no sponsors, and no driver can do" said owner Bob Germain. When informed that Big Red is, in fact, the team's sponsor, Germain shrugged his shoulders and appeared to start crying.

Skinner, formerly known as That Guy Dale Earnhardt Sr. Hated, said that he's most excited about the possibility of winning $1,000,000 in the Sprint Summer Showdown. When asked how he qualified for the prize, Skinner responded, "Well, we haven't ACTUALLY qualified OFFICIALLY yet, I just know that Kyle Busch will list us as his charity of choice."


Michigan "News" and Notes

--Boris Said gets drafted into a fight (with Greg Biffle), then flees to Canada--man, this really IS his Vietnam!

--Its good to see that Nascar got all its "excitement" out of the way on Monday. Now we can go back to our regularly scheduled fuel-mileage races.

--Not being from the Midwest, I had no idea that the purity of Michigan was an issue.

--Now that Danica's committed to running a full Nationwide schedule in 2012, we've got to make sure that we don't get sick of her. Hmmm…think they still have access to that box they put her in in that commercial?

--Back to Boris vs. Biffle--Biff kept referring to it being like 5th grade, "We'll fight at the fence at 3pm". Who does that? I never got MY fights scheduled as a kid, I just got my ass kicked at random intervals.