Earlier this week, I asked ESPN.com Nascar wag Terry Blount the question on all our minds: Had he ever seen Mike Helton smile? His response? "Once, back in 1997". While I'm sure he was joshing for effect (he at least smiled twice since then), it begs the question, why does Mike Helton NEVER smile? Here's some theories:
--As part of the "hazing" ritual for joining Nascar's upper-management, had to stare at a naked picture of Jimmy Spencer for 10 minutes straight…he was never really the same after that.
--Following his dream of running a major sports league meant forgoing his other dream, becoming a Rockette.
--Every time J.C. France gets arrested, he's gotta go down to Volusia County Penitentiary to bail him out.
--Never received his anticipated 1994 Christmas Bonus, a Spin Doctors boxed set.
--Says, "No, I'm not related to the baseball player" an average of 8.7 times per day.
--Gave his cellphone number to Kenny Wallace a few years back, and its been all downhill from there.
--He never got to see his hero, Rick Mast, win a race.
--Is prohibited by law from growing a bigger mustache.
--His "Great American Novel" about a hard-boiled crime-solving motorsports director who plays by his own rules has only sold fifteen copies.
--Bud Selig gets written about by Rob Neyer. David Stern gets written about by David Stern. Mike Helton gets written about by Mike Mackler.
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