Race on the Radio

Due to work requirements I was unable to watch the Heluva Wet at the Glen today. Instead, I listened on the radio as my favorite driver, Marcos Ambrose, won what sounded like a wild one. Here's some other observations from listening to a race instead of watching it:

--Listening to Barney Hall is a lot like listening to my Grandpa, except that I actually WANT to hear what Barney Hall has to say.

--There's essentially no "studio crew/Hollywood Hotel", which meant going a whole race without hearing a really tall guy yell out, "JUNEBUG!!!"

--I don't know if all the local commercials had a subliminal effect on me, but I really want to have an Auto Counter Speedstakes for dinner tonight.

--My "local" affiliate, WDSD, refers to itself as "…a 50,000 Watt Nascar Blowtorch". Um, how is being a blowtorch a good thing?

--I've been told I'd do well in radio, but they already have one Moody guy at MRN.

Watkins Glen "News" and Notes

--Remember when this race was called "The Bud at the Glen"? I always thought that sounded like a good place to stage a fistfight. "Oh, I'll fight you…meet me Sunday…at The Bud…AT THE GLEN"

--Scott Speed's sponsor for this weekend is listed as "Green Stuff", which might be the vaguest name for a sponsor in Nascar's history. Here's hoping that Erik Darnell picks up support from "Company, Incorporated".

--The race for the Chase is really weighing heavily on some drivers--rumor has it that Tony Stewart's up to 2 packs of miniburgers a day.

--Kurt Busch and Jimmie Johnson will probably lay off each other this weekend, but I wouldn't be surprised to see one of them give the other "The Middle Finger Lake".

--Anyone else surprised that pot was being imported to EGR AFTER Junior moved to Hendrick?

Hurts so Good, but it STILL HURTS. OW!

In honor of Brad Keselowski's recent win on a broken ankle, we take a look back at some other triumphs over injury in Nascar's history.

1953--Tim Flock wins easily at Hickory Motor Speedway despite the notable detriment of having a monkey in the car with him.

1965--That guy at the end of the bar sees Ned Jarrett win a race at Darlington despite having three broken legs and missing an arm, because drivers were tougher back then.

1983--Richard Petty wins at Charlotte after his brother callously puts an oversized engine in the car, which Richard knew absolutely nothing about whatsoever.

1990--Even though he is obviously too sexy for his car, too sexy for his firesuit, and too sexy for his sponsors, Derrike Cope wins twice.

1999--Despite an undiagnosed pinched nerve, Dale Earnhardt Sr. is able to fight through the pain to spin out Terry Labonte at Bristol.

2006-2010--Jimmie Johnson puts a stranglehold on Nascar's championship despite having been born without sweat glands.

Other People, Places and Things in Jimmie Johnson's Mental File

--Kyle Busch

--Anyone named "Busch" for that matter

--That wall at Watkins Glen

--Cottage cheese

--Guy who gave me a swirly in 10th grade

--Tony Kornheiser

--Woman who ruined the end of "The Sixth Sense" for me

--Gary Cherone

Robby Gordon to Skip Upcoming Race for Family Matters Marathon

Upon discovering that TBS will be running a 12-hour marathon of the 90's sitcom "Family Matters", Robby Gordon has decided to skip this week's upcoming race.

"We are all committed to keeping the #7 Dodge in the Top-35 in points here at Robby Gordon Motorsports--all 9 of us", Gordon said in a press release. "But the opportunity to see the episode where Eddie, Steve, and Waldo get stuck on the fire escape is too good to pass up."

Gordon went on to explain that, while his sponsor (Speed Energy) originally had some reservations about his skipping the race, a 4-hour-long conversation with a mirror convinced him otherwise.

"I checked my TV-Listings thing on my cable system, and there's some really good episodes this Sunday", Gordon explained in a recent interview. "The one where Carl and Eddie rebuild a police car, the one where Harriet embarrasses Laura in front of her friends, even the first appearance of Stephan Urquell. Its just too good to pass up. I can run a race and spin out on the last lap any day."

Rumors abound as to who will run the #7 car this Sunday, as normal substitute Scott Wimmer is "booked solid" with a rare showing of the first few episodes of "Step by Step".

Erik Darnell Changes Name to Erik DAMNell

In an attempt to jump-start his stalled racing career, former "Roush Racing: Driver X" star Erik Darnell has legally changed his name by deed poll to Erik DAMNell.

"That's capital D, capital A, capital M, capital N, buddy!", said an unusually intense DAMNell shortly after the change became official. "I don't care what that judge said, this is NOT the stupidest thing he's ever heard of!

"Whitney Motorsports is gonna take over the NASCAR world, man! We don't have any pesky sponsors to waste our time on, so we can focus on what's really important--qualifying!"

The driver--who, before the name change was a member of the Reggie Cleveland All-Stars--has taken to giving fans the "finger-gun" hand motion, and is wearing those weird sunglasses that wrap over the head, not the sides.

DAMNell added, "This is just like when Ted Musgrave became Mad-Dog Musgrave--we're gonna shock the world!"

DAMNell's first race after the name change started in Row 20, then ended after 7 laps due to a "X-TREEM vibration".

Owners Vote to Lockout Drivers from Super-cool Fort

The labor strife that shutdown the NFL offseason and threatens the NBA's upcoming season has finally spread to NASCAR. A consortium of NASCAR team-owners have voted to lockout all drivers from their new super-cool fort.

"We feel that we negotiated in good faith", said chief negotiator and General-at-Arms Rick Hendrick. "We simply asked for drivers to commit to bringing chips and dip every time they came over. The divers, however, wanted to continue with the pre-existing agreement to only bring soda. In this economy, we needed change."

Fellow owner and Vice-President/Chief Tree Branch Engineer Roger Penske echoed Hendrick's remarks. "This is a new reality we're living in--comic books and candy bars cost much more than they used to, and we need more cost certainty from the drivers. Plus, they have yet to address the feasibility of that 2nd-level in the big tree they've been whining about."

Reportedly the lockout disallows any visits by any drivers to the super-cool fort until an agreement is reached. Drivers also must turn in their secret decoder rings and water balloons as of Midnight tomorrow night.

Players appeared to put on a united front of defiance and ambivalence to the owners demands.

"Who care about their smelly old fort anyways?" said Jamie McMurray, formerly the Cootie-Prevention Czar. "We got this really neat crawl space in Bobby Labonte's basement we're setting up. Its gonna have chairs and everything!"

When asked about the status of owner/drivers, Chief of Communications/Head Taunter Joe Gibbs said that Tony Stewart would be welcome to come as long as he kept bringing "…those Heads or Tails Double Stuf Oreos." Fellow owner/driver Robby Gordon would also be welcome, though he hasn't been seen by anyone for months.