The labor strife that shutdown the NFL offseason and threatens the NBA's upcoming season has finally spread to NASCAR. A consortium of NASCAR team-owners have voted to lockout all drivers from their new super-cool fort.
"We feel that we negotiated in good faith", said chief negotiator and General-at-Arms Rick Hendrick. "We simply asked for drivers to commit to bringing chips and dip every time they came over. The divers, however, wanted to continue with the pre-existing agreement to only bring soda. In this economy, we needed change."
Fellow owner and Vice-President/Chief Tree Branch Engineer Roger Penske echoed Hendrick's remarks. "This is a new reality we're living in--comic books and candy bars cost much more than they used to, and we need more cost certainty from the drivers. Plus, they have yet to address the feasibility of that 2nd-level in the big tree they've been whining about."
Reportedly the lockout disallows any visits by any drivers to the super-cool fort until an agreement is reached. Drivers also must turn in their secret decoder rings and water balloons as of Midnight tomorrow night.
Players appeared to put on a united front of defiance and ambivalence to the owners demands.
"Who care about their smelly old fort anyways?" said Jamie McMurray, formerly the Cootie-Prevention Czar. "We got this really neat crawl space in Bobby Labonte's basement we're setting up. Its gonna have chairs and everything!"
When asked about the status of owner/drivers, Chief of Communications/Head Taunter Joe Gibbs said that Tony Stewart would be welcome to come as long as he kept bringing "…those Heads or Tails Double Stuf Oreos." Fellow owner/driver Robby Gordon would also be welcome, though he hasn't been seen by anyone for months.
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