The Other Racin' Chef

Hey everybody, The Other Racin' Chef here to show you how to throw a patented Mike Mackler Racin' Party on a Saturday Night.

First, make sure that no one else is invited over--its a party for one. Then, you gotta dress to unimpress--boxers and a t-shirt are my recommendation, but feel free to add in some jorts or sweatsocks.

Now as far as the meal goes, you're gonna wanna grab some sour cream, but make sure its NOT reduced-fat. Then getcherself a packet of onion soup mix--here's the secret--use HALF as much sour cream as it says to. Stir it up on a plate, 'cause we both know that you don't want to wash out that bowl. Pair it with some potato chips and you're ready to go.

The drink portion of the meal is open to interpretation. I'd go with some flavored Mountain Dew to start, followed by a Yuengling Lager or Natty Boh. Remember--if its somewhat natural, don't drink it.

The next day you'll probably experience some terrible gas, a pounding headache, and a sense that you're wasting your life. That's a Mike Mackler party in a nutshell!

Atlanta "News" and Notes

--J.R. Fitzpatrick, y'know, he decided to take off, eh?

--Dale Earnhardt Jr. signed his extension this week despite having gone over 100 races without a win. Uh, message for Kyle Petty: Maybe Danica isn't the "marketing machine" who's taking rides from other drivers.

--Sure, Brad Keselowski is tearing it up lately, but what happens when his ankle heals? Does anyone else imagine him begging Paul Wolfe to smash his shins with a baseball bat?

--If Clint Bowyer goes to RPM, they'll have a down-home country boy, a down under Tasmanian boy, and a boy with an awesome haircut.

--…but if Robby Gordon's forced to Start-and-Park, who will spin out by himself and force a caution with 10 laps to go?

--Remember race fans: We're just two races away from the most exciting part of the Nascar season………FOOTBALL!!!

Chad Johnston wins Moog Chassis Parts Problem Solver of the Race Award

After a hard-fought race under the lights of Bristol Motor Speedway, Chad Johnston came away with the greatest prize of all: The Moog Chassis Parts Problem Solver of the Race Award.

"This is what I've dreamt about since I was a little boy", an emotional Johnston said in Moog Chassis Parts Award-Winner Lane. "I mean, all those long nights, long hours, years of waiting for my chance--I finally did it!"

Johnston's win resulted in plaudits immediately flooding in from all corners of the racing world.

"This cat knew what it took to solve problems", said Johnston's car's team's owner Michael Waltrip. "I knew when I hired this cat, he'd see what the problem was and solve it like the Moog Chassis Parts Problem Solving Cat of the Race Award-winning cat he was destined to be, cat cat cat."

Johnston, who says be plans to buy a mantle tomorrow upon which to place his trophy, said that the thought of retiring on top "…crossed his mind", but he will continue on in order to defend the honor.

"They say that the only thing harder than winning the Moog Chassis Parts Problem Solver of the Race Award is winning the Moog Chassis Parts Problem Solver of the Race Award twice. You'd better look out next week, Nascar problem solvers, because I'll be back at Atlanta, ready to solve!"

Bristol "News" and Notes

--After all those months of waiting, we finally have our answer. Its official--Scott Speed is running the #46 car for the rest of the year.

--A minor earthquake hit the east coast on Wednesday. Joe Nemechek tried to warm people, but they're just so used to hearing him talk about vibrations.

--Denny Hamlin received a text of encouragement from none other than Michael Jordan. MJ must have $500,000 on Denny making the Chase.

--Jimmie Johnson threw out the first pitch at a Cubs game this week. No word on if he got any advice from Chet Steadman or Phil Brickma.

--Condolences to Patrick Carpentier whose retirement race was ended prematurely by the nephew of that guy who did a bunch of Stacker 2 commercials.

Mike Skinner Shows Progress with 42nd-place Finish

Nascar Driver Mike Skinner, best known up till this point for winning a meaningless race in Japan about 12 years ago, finally appeared to gain some career momentum with a 2nd-to-last place finish at Michigan on Sunday.

"Our team really needed this", said Skinner, known as "Angie's Bus-driver" to 2 or 3 fans. "After all those vibrations and ignition problems, it was great to come out of here with just a transmission issue…or rear gear, or whatever the hell it was."

Skinner went on to say that he envisions a day when the 60 car finishes in the top-40 on a regular basis, with an occasional top-35 run "…when the handling isn't acting up."

"We're showing everybody what a team with no money, no sponsors, and no driver can do" said owner Bob Germain. When informed that Big Red is, in fact, the team's sponsor, Germain shrugged his shoulders and appeared to start crying.

Skinner, formerly known as That Guy Dale Earnhardt Sr. Hated, said that he's most excited about the possibility of winning $1,000,000 in the Sprint Summer Showdown. When asked how he qualified for the prize, Skinner responded, "Well, we haven't ACTUALLY qualified OFFICIALLY yet, I just know that Kyle Busch will list us as his charity of choice."

Michigan "News" and Notes

--Boris Said gets drafted into a fight (with Greg Biffle), then flees to Canada--man, this really IS his Vietnam!

--Its good to see that Nascar got all its "excitement" out of the way on Monday. Now we can go back to our regularly scheduled fuel-mileage races.

--Not being from the Midwest, I had no idea that the purity of Michigan was an issue.

--Now that Danica's committed to running a full Nationwide schedule in 2012, we've got to make sure that we don't get sick of her. Hmmm…think they still have access to that box they put her in in that commercial?

--Back to Boris vs. Biffle--Biff kept referring to it being like 5th grade, "We'll fight at the fence at 3pm". Who does that? I never got MY fights scheduled as a kid, I just got my ass kicked at random intervals.

SummerShowdownSlam

While the WWE had THEIR big fight card last Sunday, we here at The Pits are working hard to bring you Nascar's biggest battles. Here's a preview of the scheduled bouts (card subject to change)

DARK MATCHES

"Front Row" Joe Nemechek (Managed by Robby Gordon) vs. Kevin "The Hard Way" Conway in an ExtenZe-on-a-pole Match.

The Overexposed (Michael "The Cat" Waltrip & Darrell "Boogity" Waltrip) vs. The Dangerously Underexposed ("Dig" Doug Ladd & Mike "The" Mackler)

PPV MATCHES

Women's Championship Match: Delana "Fire Suit Fireball" Harvick vs. The Masked Wrestler (no one knows who he/she is, only that he only seems to win when its raining)

Million-in-the-Bank Match: Paul Menard"burns" vs. Marcos Ambrose"before hoes" vs. "Bad" Brad Keselowski

Nascar's Sexiest Legends Pose-Off: Derrike "Two Wins" Cope vs. Jimmy "Two, um, totally legit, wins" Spencer

Fandemonium Match: As voted on by the fans, Kyle Busch takes on Mike Tyson (WARNING: Viewership may be extraordinarily high for this match)

Intercontinental Tire Match: Greg "The Biff" Biffle (with manager David Ragan) vs. Boris "Badenov" Said

World Title Match: Kurt "I'm Single, Ladies!" Busch vs. Jimmie "The Robot" Johnson